PERSONAL TESTIMONY
(Shared by me during a Life in the Spirit Seminar and Men’s Cornerstone Retreat at St. John the Evangelist Parish in Bergenfield, New Jersey and Christ the King Catholic Community in Las Vegas, Nevada.)
I am here, brothers and sisters, to give testimony to the goodness and love of the Lord as proclaimed in Psalm 126, and I quote, “The Lord has done great things for us; we are filled with joy!” Yes, indeed, the Lord has done great things for me and my family, and we are filled with joy, peace and love. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, the Lord has given me a pathway to a new life, and I want to share it with you.
Nine years ago, I attended my first prayer meeting with a charismatic group at St. John’s in Bergenfield. I had no idea about the charismatic renewal then, but I went anyway because I couldn’t say no to Bro. Willie who invited me. Why? Because his brother and sister had bought their two homes through me, and I heard that he and his two other sisters were also planning to buy their first homes. I didn’t know what to expect at the prayer meeting but I remember vividly that during the group’s singing of “Come Holy Spirit” under Bro. Ricky’s accompaniment on his guitar, I began to cry.
About a year later, I attended my first Life in the Spirit Seminar in St. John's. I was seated at the back near the exit door, because I was showing houses in between seminar talks. And, guess what? I missed the renewal of baptism in the Spirit. However, at the conclusion of the penitential rite in the vigil room, while the elders were praying over me, again, I couldn't stop myself from crying.
Finally, in 1996, I completed the seminar from beginning to end. And, I was baptized in the Spirit together with my wife Vangie, at a five consecutive evening seminar given by Father Sonny Ramirez, at St. John's in Leonia. Again, I was moved to tears during the healing session, but most especially, when I saw my wife Vangie stand up praising and shouting the name of Jesus Christ with arms outstretched and shaking, at the middle of the talk on her first night. You see, brothers and sisters, in all those years that we'd been married, I had never seen my wife pray so boldly and so publicly because she kept her prayers to God in private. And so, I knew that she had been moved by the Holy Spirit that evening. The most visible fruit of the Spirit and the beginning of a new life for me that emerged from my renewal of baptism and confirmation was that enormous joy in me, not only in the exuberant praising of God in song and dance, but also, in the feeling of lightness within me for having my sins washed away in tears by Jesus Christ himself (just like the waters of baptism that flowed from his side during his crucifixion and death which cleansed me from original sin) as He promised to the apostles, and I quote, "Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." The following morning after the renewal of baptism, I destroyed my full shelf collection of pornographic videos that we were renting out from our grocery store, and dumped them in the garbage where they belong.
After the seminar, Vangie and I started attending the prayer meeting here at St. John's regularly. While she was able to sustain the feeling of being "high" in the Spirit, mine was fleeting, because after only a few weeks, I reverted back to my old self---my self-destructive ways during my bachelor days. Back then, my goal in life was to work hard, have a good time, and become a millionaire before I turn 40. I worked three jobs in Manila earning almost ₱9,000 pesos per month, which was an excellent income for a single guy in the Philippines in the late 70's. On weekdays, I worked full time as an assistant director of a Catholic Chinese elementary and high school from 7 am to 3 pm, and as a college philosophy instructor at UST, the Catholic university from 5 to 9 pm. On Saturdays, I hosted and moderated a radio program for the Catholic radio station, Radio Veritas.
But in 1980, I decided to leave the Philippines and seek my fortune abroad because after working continually for six years, I had less than ₱15,000 pesos in my savings account. I even had to borrow $1,000 from my brother who was working in Saudi Arabia for my pocket money in going to the United States. Why? Because I spent most of my money on having a good time, smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol. It was martial law time in the Philippines, and just as the society was breaking down due to the excessiveness and brutality of the Marcos regime, I was also breaking down because of the enormity and gravity of my sins.
But you know what? Jesus loves me even though I am a sinner. In the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15:1-7, he said that "There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance." He knew that I was lost; and in order to stop me from destroying myself and the people around me, He got me approved for a thesis grant from the faculty association of the university where I was teaching and a visiting scholarship from Columbia University in New York City, so that I could get out of the country. And, I couldn't wait to leave at that point too, because I knew I was going down the drain. Why? Because despite of all the fun and excitement I was having, deep inside I was unhappy and miserable. In fact, around the big holidays, from All Soul's Day to Christmas and New Year, I was always overcome by fear and anxiety. I didn't know why at that time, but even when I was in college, I got so depressed sometimes, that I felt like killing myself.
But God is good and still wanted me to live. And in the spring of 1981, I ended up in New Jersey working part-time as an editorial assistant at Prentice-Hall and earning $3.65 per hour, and sleeping on the floor in a crowded roach-infested studio apartment in Englewood. And being the youngest of four children and used to living with my parents and siblings, I felt lonely and homesick for the first time in my life. So, I did what I knew best, which was to have a good time with fellow Filipinos who had families also back home. And when I was alone, I explored everything---the good, the bad, and the ugly---that New York City had to offer.
Thank God I met my wife Vangie after six months. We fell in love and got married after a whirlwind 3-month courtship. She was the best thing that ever happened to me in America, because by being with her I gained a sense of direction in my life, that is, to start a family. So, we were overjoyed when she got pregnant immediately. However, after only 1 and a half months, on Valentine's Day of 1982, she had a miscarriage, and we were devastated. The following year, the Lord blessed us with our son Osbert. It was around that time that I also fell ill, was diagnosed with chronic asthma, and left Vangie and our 5-month old son for the Philippines in order to rest and escape the brutal winter that exacerbated my condition. A year later, Vangie got pregnant again, but we lost the baby after a month into her pregnancy. Ten months later, the Lord blessed us with a baby girl, we named Claire-Voe. And, ten years later, Vangie would get pregnant for the last time, and lose the baby again during the second trimester.
As I was writing about the three babies that we lost during Vangie's pregnancy, I remembered the pain I felt then, and couldn't help asking why God permitted that to happen to us. While Vangie and I were discussing this, she reminded me of how great the Lord had been for allowing us to keep Osbert and Claire-Voe because after less than three months from the birth of our daughter, while Vangie was still on maternity leave, she told me that she almost suffocated our two children and killed herself, out of self-pity.
It was the darkest moment of our life as a family because, instead of taking care of our newborn daughter, I decided to take off and leave my wife and children to my in-laws in Jersey City. I wanted out of our marriage. I couldn't take the pressure because I had problems at work and got fired later for fighting with my supervisor. While at home, Vangie and I were always fighting also, not because of our finances (because strangely enough, even when I was collecting unemployment benefits and times were tough, we never fought about money---in fact, she had always been generous in letting me support my parents in the Phillippines) but because I made a big deal out of the tiniest mistakes that she was making as a wife and a mother. But the real problem, of course, was me. I was back in my self-destructive behavior, only this time, I wasn't only destroying myself but our whole family. I was overcome by irrational jealousy and this uncontrollable rage within me. And then, one day I just snapped, and I began hitting my wife and our 2-year old son Osbert. That's when I decided to see my uncle and move to Canada.
When I turned up unexpectedly in Toronto for the first time, I felt rotten inside. So, I didn't tell anyone what happened. Besides, I didn't want anybody telling me what to do---not even God, because I thought He brought me out of the Phillippines for a better life in America, but I ended up being in a greater mess. By then, all I wanted from God was to be left alone.
But God wouldn't leave me alone, even if I didn't want Him anymore in my life. Why? Because He cares so much about me. When my uncle and his family took me out to have a picnic and see the Niagara Falls, I saw the glory of God all over His magnificent creation. And, as I watched the children running around the park with their parents, I began to miss our children Osbert and Claire-Voe. That night, I dreamed that I was sitting alone and sad in front of a church, while I was was witnessing the second coming of Christ. The following morning, I took the next available flight back home to New Jersey to be reunited with my family.
Brothers and sisters, I could go on and on telling you stories about our sufferings and you will probably become bored to death. Suffice it to say, however, that it was only after our renewal of baptism in the Spirit that I began to understand, little by little, why God had given me lots of sufferings in life. Now, I know why Jesus said, "If you want to be my disciple, deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me." Whereas before, I used to reject and even blame God for all my sufferings; now, through the gift of wisdom and discernment from the Holy Spirit, I am able to accept my sufferings with humility as gifts freely given to me by God as a sign of His great love for me, the way His son Jesus showed His great love for and obedience to His father by nailing our sins on the cross. Today, I am able to praise and thank the Lord and find peace within me even in times of great adversity, because when I look back at those times when God gave me sufferings to bear, I realized that He gave them to me in order to get rid of my addictions, and experience the healing power of the Holy Spirit.
For instance, I believe that He made my life miserable in the Philippines because He wanted me to come to America. And I did. Then, He drove me to loneliness and homesickness because He wanted me to find a wife and start a family. And I did. Then, He got me very sick from asthma because He wanted me to quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana. And I did. Then, He took the lives of our three unborn children, and threatened to take away my whole family because He wanted me to cherish our lives as a family, and become a good husband and a good father instead of abandoning and physically abusing them. And I did. And then, when I got into the real estate business, made a lot of money and became very materialistic (buying three properties, having three businesses, driving luxury cars, investing in money market and mutual funds and thinking only about the welfare of my immediate family) He drove us to the brink of bankruptcy by getting me hit by a car while crossing a street in order to deposit money. But He spared my life for the second time and got me disabled for six months while living on credit cards, because He wanted me to realize that there was more to life than money, and discover lasting security in the Lord by joining a charismatic prayer group. And I did. And then, three years ago, He saved my life for the third time and got rid of my addiction to alcohol by getting me arrested for drunk driving, and lose my driver's license for ten months.
Finally, two months ago, on the 19th of October, the Lord poured out His greatest gift for me and my family---His awesome love for us, and revealed His mission for me by letting me experience His supernatural gift of healing for my mind, body and spirit. Just like in the Gospel of St. Mark that Sunday morning, when Jesus cured the blind man not just physically but also spiritually, after his persistent shouts of, "Jesus, son of David, have pity on me!"---I woke up from a dream that the Lord removed a skin cancer that was covering my right hand and left an imprint of the image of Santo Niño/Child Jesus and the miraculous medal of the Virgin Mary in its place. At first, I thought that I was only healed physically, because the perennial pain on my shoulder and back caused by the car accident was gone, and my high blood pressure went back to normal. But later on, I realized that it was more than physical healing.
As you can probably deduce from my sharing so far, brothers and sisters, I had been plagued all my life by a vicious cycle of self-destructive behavior, addictions to sex and pornography, and some controlled substances. I even tried to seek professional help by going to a therapist for six months, in order to forget my memories of child sexual abuse that was inflicted on me by a neighbor and my relative, when I was 10 years old.
Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who have survived from what Jesus had condemned as an abomination---the harming of innocent children---when He said that: It is better for a man to tie a millstone around his neck and plunge himself into the deepest part of the ocean, than to harm any of His little children, to whom the kingdom of God belongs. But because of His grace and mercy, He answered the persistent prayers of the special angels in my life, namely, my Mom, Sister Marieta, my 6th grade religion teacher, and my wife Vangie---all of whom didn't even understand what was wrong with me but kept their faith and trust in the Lord anyway, and believed that someday I'll be fine, because there is nothing impossible with God---I got healed spiritually.
Today, I praise and thank the Lord for continuously molding me while serving Him with my brothers and sisters in St. John's charismatic prayer community, and for giving me enough courage to testify to you this afternoon, how the Child Jesus has enkindled the Holy Spirit within me in order for me to experience his miraculous healing and enjoy the fruits of a new and fuller life in the Spirit. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I was able to forgive my abusers and lift up my painful experience of child abuse to Santo Niño, Who continues to strengthen, purify and prepare me for the mission He entrusted me, which is to share the Good News that, "Jesus is the only Way, the Truth, and the Life," Who can heal us physically, psychologically and spiritually; and keep proclaiming that: the Lord has done great things for me and my family; and we are filled with joy, peace and love!
I am here, brothers and sisters, to give testimony to the goodness and love of the Lord as proclaimed in Psalm 126, and I quote, “The Lord has done great things for us; we are filled with joy!” Yes, indeed, the Lord has done great things for me and my family, and we are filled with joy, peace and love. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, the Lord has given me a pathway to a new life, and I want to share it with you.
Nine years ago, I attended my first prayer meeting with a charismatic group at St. John’s in Bergenfield. I had no idea about the charismatic renewal then, but I went anyway because I couldn’t say no to Bro. Willie who invited me. Why? Because his brother and sister had bought their two homes through me, and I heard that he and his two other sisters were also planning to buy their first homes. I didn’t know what to expect at the prayer meeting but I remember vividly that during the group’s singing of “Come Holy Spirit” under Bro. Ricky’s accompaniment on his guitar, I began to cry.
About a year later, I attended my first Life in the Spirit Seminar in St. John's. I was seated at the back near the exit door, because I was showing houses in between seminar talks. And, guess what? I missed the renewal of baptism in the Spirit. However, at the conclusion of the penitential rite in the vigil room, while the elders were praying over me, again, I couldn't stop myself from crying.
Finally, in 1996, I completed the seminar from beginning to end. And, I was baptized in the Spirit together with my wife Vangie, at a five consecutive evening seminar given by Father Sonny Ramirez, at St. John's in Leonia. Again, I was moved to tears during the healing session, but most especially, when I saw my wife Vangie stand up praising and shouting the name of Jesus Christ with arms outstretched and shaking, at the middle of the talk on her first night. You see, brothers and sisters, in all those years that we'd been married, I had never seen my wife pray so boldly and so publicly because she kept her prayers to God in private. And so, I knew that she had been moved by the Holy Spirit that evening. The most visible fruit of the Spirit and the beginning of a new life for me that emerged from my renewal of baptism and confirmation was that enormous joy in me, not only in the exuberant praising of God in song and dance, but also, in the feeling of lightness within me for having my sins washed away in tears by Jesus Christ himself (just like the waters of baptism that flowed from his side during his crucifixion and death which cleansed me from original sin) as He promised to the apostles, and I quote, "Repent and be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit." The following morning after the renewal of baptism, I destroyed my full shelf collection of pornographic videos that we were renting out from our grocery store, and dumped them in the garbage where they belong.
After the seminar, Vangie and I started attending the prayer meeting here at St. John's regularly. While she was able to sustain the feeling of being "high" in the Spirit, mine was fleeting, because after only a few weeks, I reverted back to my old self---my self-destructive ways during my bachelor days. Back then, my goal in life was to work hard, have a good time, and become a millionaire before I turn 40. I worked three jobs in Manila earning almost ₱9,000 pesos per month, which was an excellent income for a single guy in the Philippines in the late 70's. On weekdays, I worked full time as an assistant director of a Catholic Chinese elementary and high school from 7 am to 3 pm, and as a college philosophy instructor at UST, the Catholic university from 5 to 9 pm. On Saturdays, I hosted and moderated a radio program for the Catholic radio station, Radio Veritas.
But in 1980, I decided to leave the Philippines and seek my fortune abroad because after working continually for six years, I had less than ₱15,000 pesos in my savings account. I even had to borrow $1,000 from my brother who was working in Saudi Arabia for my pocket money in going to the United States. Why? Because I spent most of my money on having a good time, smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol. It was martial law time in the Philippines, and just as the society was breaking down due to the excessiveness and brutality of the Marcos regime, I was also breaking down because of the enormity and gravity of my sins.
But you know what? Jesus loves me even though I am a sinner. In the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15:1-7, he said that "There will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need of repentance." He knew that I was lost; and in order to stop me from destroying myself and the people around me, He got me approved for a thesis grant from the faculty association of the university where I was teaching and a visiting scholarship from Columbia University in New York City, so that I could get out of the country. And, I couldn't wait to leave at that point too, because I knew I was going down the drain. Why? Because despite of all the fun and excitement I was having, deep inside I was unhappy and miserable. In fact, around the big holidays, from All Soul's Day to Christmas and New Year, I was always overcome by fear and anxiety. I didn't know why at that time, but even when I was in college, I got so depressed sometimes, that I felt like killing myself.
But God is good and still wanted me to live. And in the spring of 1981, I ended up in New Jersey working part-time as an editorial assistant at Prentice-Hall and earning $3.65 per hour, and sleeping on the floor in a crowded roach-infested studio apartment in Englewood. And being the youngest of four children and used to living with my parents and siblings, I felt lonely and homesick for the first time in my life. So, I did what I knew best, which was to have a good time with fellow Filipinos who had families also back home. And when I was alone, I explored everything---the good, the bad, and the ugly---that New York City had to offer.
Thank God I met my wife Vangie after six months. We fell in love and got married after a whirlwind 3-month courtship. She was the best thing that ever happened to me in America, because by being with her I gained a sense of direction in my life, that is, to start a family. So, we were overjoyed when she got pregnant immediately. However, after only 1 and a half months, on Valentine's Day of 1982, she had a miscarriage, and we were devastated. The following year, the Lord blessed us with our son Osbert. It was around that time that I also fell ill, was diagnosed with chronic asthma, and left Vangie and our 5-month old son for the Philippines in order to rest and escape the brutal winter that exacerbated my condition. A year later, Vangie got pregnant again, but we lost the baby after a month into her pregnancy. Ten months later, the Lord blessed us with a baby girl, we named Claire-Voe. And, ten years later, Vangie would get pregnant for the last time, and lose the baby again during the second trimester.
As I was writing about the three babies that we lost during Vangie's pregnancy, I remembered the pain I felt then, and couldn't help asking why God permitted that to happen to us. While Vangie and I were discussing this, she reminded me of how great the Lord had been for allowing us to keep Osbert and Claire-Voe because after less than three months from the birth of our daughter, while Vangie was still on maternity leave, she told me that she almost suffocated our two children and killed herself, out of self-pity.
It was the darkest moment of our life as a family because, instead of taking care of our newborn daughter, I decided to take off and leave my wife and children to my in-laws in Jersey City. I wanted out of our marriage. I couldn't take the pressure because I had problems at work and got fired later for fighting with my supervisor. While at home, Vangie and I were always fighting also, not because of our finances (because strangely enough, even when I was collecting unemployment benefits and times were tough, we never fought about money---in fact, she had always been generous in letting me support my parents in the Phillippines) but because I made a big deal out of the tiniest mistakes that she was making as a wife and a mother. But the real problem, of course, was me. I was back in my self-destructive behavior, only this time, I wasn't only destroying myself but our whole family. I was overcome by irrational jealousy and this uncontrollable rage within me. And then, one day I just snapped, and I began hitting my wife and our 2-year old son Osbert. That's when I decided to see my uncle and move to Canada.
When I turned up unexpectedly in Toronto for the first time, I felt rotten inside. So, I didn't tell anyone what happened. Besides, I didn't want anybody telling me what to do---not even God, because I thought He brought me out of the Phillippines for a better life in America, but I ended up being in a greater mess. By then, all I wanted from God was to be left alone.
But God wouldn't leave me alone, even if I didn't want Him anymore in my life. Why? Because He cares so much about me. When my uncle and his family took me out to have a picnic and see the Niagara Falls, I saw the glory of God all over His magnificent creation. And, as I watched the children running around the park with their parents, I began to miss our children Osbert and Claire-Voe. That night, I dreamed that I was sitting alone and sad in front of a church, while I was was witnessing the second coming of Christ. The following morning, I took the next available flight back home to New Jersey to be reunited with my family.
Brothers and sisters, I could go on and on telling you stories about our sufferings and you will probably become bored to death. Suffice it to say, however, that it was only after our renewal of baptism in the Spirit that I began to understand, little by little, why God had given me lots of sufferings in life. Now, I know why Jesus said, "If you want to be my disciple, deny yourself, pick up your cross, and follow me." Whereas before, I used to reject and even blame God for all my sufferings; now, through the gift of wisdom and discernment from the Holy Spirit, I am able to accept my sufferings with humility as gifts freely given to me by God as a sign of His great love for me, the way His son Jesus showed His great love for and obedience to His father by nailing our sins on the cross. Today, I am able to praise and thank the Lord and find peace within me even in times of great adversity, because when I look back at those times when God gave me sufferings to bear, I realized that He gave them to me in order to get rid of my addictions, and experience the healing power of the Holy Spirit.
For instance, I believe that He made my life miserable in the Philippines because He wanted me to come to America. And I did. Then, He drove me to loneliness and homesickness because He wanted me to find a wife and start a family. And I did. Then, He got me very sick from asthma because He wanted me to quit smoking cigarettes and marijuana. And I did. Then, He took the lives of our three unborn children, and threatened to take away my whole family because He wanted me to cherish our lives as a family, and become a good husband and a good father instead of abandoning and physically abusing them. And I did. And then, when I got into the real estate business, made a lot of money and became very materialistic (buying three properties, having three businesses, driving luxury cars, investing in money market and mutual funds and thinking only about the welfare of my immediate family) He drove us to the brink of bankruptcy by getting me hit by a car while crossing a street in order to deposit money. But He spared my life for the second time and got me disabled for six months while living on credit cards, because He wanted me to realize that there was more to life than money, and discover lasting security in the Lord by joining a charismatic prayer group. And I did. And then, three years ago, He saved my life for the third time and got rid of my addiction to alcohol by getting me arrested for drunk driving, and lose my driver's license for ten months.
Finally, two months ago, on the 19th of October, the Lord poured out His greatest gift for me and my family---His awesome love for us, and revealed His mission for me by letting me experience His supernatural gift of healing for my mind, body and spirit. Just like in the Gospel of St. Mark that Sunday morning, when Jesus cured the blind man not just physically but also spiritually, after his persistent shouts of, "Jesus, son of David, have pity on me!"---I woke up from a dream that the Lord removed a skin cancer that was covering my right hand and left an imprint of the image of Santo Niño/Child Jesus and the miraculous medal of the Virgin Mary in its place. At first, I thought that I was only healed physically, because the perennial pain on my shoulder and back caused by the car accident was gone, and my high blood pressure went back to normal. But later on, I realized that it was more than physical healing.
As you can probably deduce from my sharing so far, brothers and sisters, I had been plagued all my life by a vicious cycle of self-destructive behavior, addictions to sex and pornography, and some controlled substances. I even tried to seek professional help by going to a therapist for six months, in order to forget my memories of child sexual abuse that was inflicted on me by a neighbor and my relative, when I was 10 years old.
Yes, I am one of the lucky ones who have survived from what Jesus had condemned as an abomination---the harming of innocent children---when He said that: It is better for a man to tie a millstone around his neck and plunge himself into the deepest part of the ocean, than to harm any of His little children, to whom the kingdom of God belongs. But because of His grace and mercy, He answered the persistent prayers of the special angels in my life, namely, my Mom, Sister Marieta, my 6th grade religion teacher, and my wife Vangie---all of whom didn't even understand what was wrong with me but kept their faith and trust in the Lord anyway, and believed that someday I'll be fine, because there is nothing impossible with God---I got healed spiritually.
Today, I praise and thank the Lord for continuously molding me while serving Him with my brothers and sisters in St. John's charismatic prayer community, and for giving me enough courage to testify to you this afternoon, how the Child Jesus has enkindled the Holy Spirit within me in order for me to experience his miraculous healing and enjoy the fruits of a new and fuller life in the Spirit. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, I was able to forgive my abusers and lift up my painful experience of child abuse to Santo Niño, Who continues to strengthen, purify and prepare me for the mission He entrusted me, which is to share the Good News that, "Jesus is the only Way, the Truth, and the Life," Who can heal us physically, psychologically and spiritually; and keep proclaiming that: the Lord has done great things for me and my family; and we are filled with joy, peace and love!
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On the right: In my dream, I saw these imprints on my right arm after I got healed from cancer. www.insearchofperfectfriendship.com/ |
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