Why, Lord? What does this healing mean? Are you telling me something, or is this a fluke, a twist of fate, and a coincidence?
I remember when You told me to ask permission from my Pastor and start a Healing Prayer Ministry in our previous Parish Church in New Jersey, after our pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Miraculous Image of Sto. Nino/Child Jesus in Cebu, Philippines, and my subsequent healing. That was an excellent run; many infirmed people got healed through You, including myself; and so I thought.
But, why didnt You stop me? I could have retired in the Philippines (finally, after our youngest child's college graduation ten years ago) and left my family who were well taken cared of financially in the US, but still visiting them, Gie & our children, every six months; and pursued my last promising career while trying to make a name for myself by hopefully making the ultimate Filipino movie that would eventually win the Best Foreign Film at the Oscars; hobnobbed with celebrities in entertainment & politics; and leave a body of work & legacy to my children that they can be proud of, instead of a Healing Prayer Ministry.
What was I thinking? You didnt need me; after all, You, Who were, are, and will always be Omnipotent & Omnicient knew how excited I was then about filmmaking. Apart from You, the Art of Filmmaking was pure energy for me-- the most creative, intoxicating and fulfilling experience that I ever had when I took it up twenty years ago. Because of it, I was able to to write, produce, edit & direct my first feature film-- an anti-child abuse Independent Film Project that I finished in New York University for my Masters thesis at the Catholic University of Santo Tomas in Manila. But most of all, You saw how I was able to dig deeper into my own repressed memories of child abuse and redeem, transform and express them through a profound and life changing creative experience through filmmaking, which for me was not only therapeutic, but also intellectually fulfilling & spiritually uplifting.
Maybe, I was too naive & unsophisticated in thinking that somehow, I could save the world by healing its abused & neglected childen through Jesus Christ's Healing Prayer Ministry. What a waste of time; when I could have gotten the rights to the temp music of my anti-child abuse thesis film, cut the original negatives, and release it to the public; and shoot more movies about the medical or psychological healing of abused children; or raise some charity money for the prevention of this malaise, while housing & feeding the hungry & abandoned street children.
What now my God? I'll be 63 in five months. Thanks for healing me from leukemia. But, do you really expect me to take up filmmaking at this late in the game? And for what?
I know that You care about me. Aren't you afraid that I would regress again from a Life in the Spirit to a worldly life of the flesh, and succumb to the temptations of sex, drugs & alcohol, and the devil which are prevalent in the film business, instead of just enjoying my early retirement with my wife? After all, You Who knows the pitfalls of man's creative process that's in my blood and which I have sublimated through the years by teaching, textbook publishing, radio broadcasting, home marketing, selling, buying & decorating, and cooking, understands how lonely & lonesome it is out there to create something good, true & beautiful.
Not for You, of course, because You are God. But for us mortals, the creative process is painstakingly slow that entails concentration, stamina & hard work; and yet we still
do it. Why? Because creativity is like being pregnant; it's either/or; either pregnant or not pregnant; creative or not. And if you are, then you need to get it out of your system sometime, no matter how difficult, or you'll die of regrets & remorse. The only sigh of relief or joy is at the end-- after the baby is born, or your film is projected on the screen.
And in between takes, your mind is constantly stimulated, heightened & altered (like ecstasy from taking drugs, smoking pot, drinking alcohol, and having coitus.) When you're creative, then your imagination is in full gear, that even a pumpkin acquires an enticing glow which makes you fall in love with it; then, how could you possibly resist not being attracted to any of the creative souls who are in the same boat with you, even if you are in a state of zombieness, numbness and diarrhea?
Lord, do you really want me to go through this process of pain & suffering, temptation & disappointment, and euphoria & joy rolled into one just to tell Your Story in moving pictures? Do I have the time, mindset, means & motivation to do so? Am I even considerring this to glorify You, help Your children, or put myself & legacy in a pedestal?
I know that You know that apart from You I can do nothing; and therefore, is this a part of Your Plan for me to come to You and be revivified (like all the little children to whom the Kingdom of God belongs, as You said) so that I may be healed completely from the effects of child abuse?
Are you purifying me by feeding Your abused & abandoned children, so that I may be spiritually strong, like David against Goliath, in confronting & winning my personal battle against child abuse, without regrets of splitting my marriage & family if I retired & made movies in the Philippines only for my own sake then, instead of focusing on You now for getting rid of my leukemia My Lord, Who is the Way, the Truth & the Life?
Or, am I becoming demented or retarded in thinking that You healed me from leukemia in order to tell me to move on, be creative, tell everyone that You have forgiven my sins, and believe that You are saving me and everyone else from damnation?
Just like when the Pharisees accused You of blasphemy after forgiving the sins of the paralyzed man, in the Gospel of Luke, and you said: "... So I will prove to you that the Son of Man has the authority on earth to forgive sins." Then Jesus turned to the paralyzed man and said, "Stand up, pick up your mat, and go home!" And, immediately, as everyone watched, the man jumped up, picked up his mat, and went home praising God.
EPILOGUE
Be Not Afraid
by Bob Dufford, S.J.
You shall cross the barren dessert
But you shall not die of thirst
You shall wander far in safety
Though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands
And all will understand
You shall see the face of God and live.
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come Follow Me
And I shall give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters
In the sea, you shall not drown
If you walk amidst the burning flames
You shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the pow'r of hell
And death is at your side
Know that I am with you, through it all.
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come Follow Me
And I shall give you rest.
Blessed are your poor
For the Kingdom shall be theirs
Blest are you that weep and mourn
for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you
All because of Me
Blessed, blessed are you!
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come Follow Me
And I shall give you rest.
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