Ever since I was a little boy, people who saw my big black mole on my right back shoulder told me that I'd be carrying a cross all my life; but I didn't believe them, and just took their observation with a grain of salt. As far as I can remember, my Mom was the first one who told me that, but I was too young then to understand what she meant.
And even when I was abused sexually by a relative and a neighbor when I was 10 years old in Grade 5, developed an ear infection which took three years to finally get cured when my Dad took me to a Chinese EENT doctor in Divisoria for months, or relegated to the dustbins of Academic Honor Roll in elementary & high school because of favoritism and with no connections or patronages, I never thought of them as crosses, and didn't complain (except maybe in senior high during our Foundation's evening school program, when I got drunk and confronted our Irish Columban parish priest and school director, for touching some girls inappropriately after summoning them in the Rectory to address his Christmas cards with their beautiful penmanship.)
Why? Maybe because I was too naive or ignorant; plus my Dad discouraged me from fighting back and told me to just report those who bullied me to my teacher-adviser, when we moved to another province. But I still got in trouble; and Papa was summoned for a conference, and picked me up at our high school principal's office twice, after getting into fights. I guess, I was always acting out at home and in school, whatever unrequited aggression I had inside me; and I remember him telling me at home after seeing and talking to our school principal the second time: Not to get into fights anymore if I want to go to college; we're Kapampangans (from Pampanga) and not Zambaleños (from Zambales;) we're in town because of our furniture business; we're 'istrangeros' in Sta. Cruz, so I need you to cooperate, not to complain, or make any waves; then you can go to college in Manila just like your sister and brother, after graduating in high school.
I had the best time of my life in the Philippines for 10 years while I was in Manila, inspite of Martial Law and the prevailing degeneracy that accompanied it, because I was a free bird who stood up for my individual rights, while I excelled in college, even if I didn't have enough money (but found a way anyway,) became more philosophical and liberal because of bad relationships and the political atmosphere, smoked & drank more, but became very lonely at times around the holidays, even when I was at the Graduate School of the premier Pontifical University of Santo Tomas, while holding three jobs and making good money in Metro Manila as a professor -- school administrator -- radio program moderator, but still thought of ending what I considered a fabulous life, away from the Cross, and before coming to America.
Anyway, the United States of America is the land of the free (if you're smart enough to foment prejudice and discrimination when I arrived in 1981,) but it's not the home for crybabies or cowards. Thank God, I found my loving family here in Gie, Osbert & Claire-Voe, my wife & kids, after so many trials and difficulties in America, not the least of which was when our three children--Marigold, Ivan, and Jon-Fergus, miscarried during my wife's three pregnancies.
But, I never considered these disappointments and tribulations as crosses. In fact, I had to toughen up when I got into real estate as a broker-salesperson, instead of losing sleep at my clients who eschewed loyalty and bought houses from other agents, after showing them many houses for months (sometimes a year,) and spending my time, money, and effort while driving them around Bergen County, New Jersey, to find an excellent house, that they liked. I knew that I was an excellent, caring & knowledgeable realtor who gave them great advice without even thinking of how much commission I was making because I treated them as friends; but if they decided to buy from someone else, then it's their loss, not mine; and I slept soundly at night, instead of thinking about them (by the way, including my siblings, in-laws, and friends, because I was always good or unselfish to them, and applied the same principle, in order not to suffer from insomnia, or get hurt by their actions.)
But what really hardened my heart, was when I had a heart-to-heart talk with Father Sonny-- our Dominican Charismatic Adviser and Founder of our Prayer Group in St. John's, who'd been working with abused & abandoned children in his Ministry in Quezon City, Philippines. He told me to pray to Jesus for healing, especially the healing of my self-esteem, which was destroyed by my abusers; and not to let anybody put me down anymore, or allow them to say or insinuate in a very subtle way that they are better or superior than me, instead of recognizing that we're all equal and imperfect men and women, as children of God. I did, but unfortunately, it's not easy, because if you put people in their proper places, and reveal that nobody is perfect except God, or you're all on equal footing, then they think that you're nuts, have a superiority complex, or they don't want to talk to you anymore.
Praise God! we retired in Las Vegas and got rid of all my bitterness, resentments, unforgiveness, and hatred. I still get upset sometimes, but not for long (especially with this coronavirus that is ruining our upcoming cruise,) and now acknowledge my crosses in life, instead of denying them. But they're nothing compared to the goodness of the Lord, Who has given me and my family tremendous blessings through all these years, which we didn't deserve, such us the gift of life (like the birth of our granddaughters Xio & Violet,) and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, Who restored us from sin and death, into a New Life, by clinging to Him.
Today, I look at the Cross as preached by St. Paul in I Corinthian 1:23 "not as a stumbling block or foolishness," for the Gentiles & Jews, but as "Christ Crucified." Or, again in I Corinthian 1:18 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." In other words, it is through our crosses that we are able to be transformed into Jesus' image, when we share in His Suffering and Death on the Cross.
In Matthew 16:24, Jesus Christ Himself said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me." It's difficult, but I try it anyway, especially by avoiding being a cross to someone else, because I have no control of how people are going to react to me. But if they take their suffering positively, even if they perceive you as a cross to them, then the life of Christ can be manifested in them.
What I'm saying is: As long as I'm alive here on earth, I know that I will always have crosses or sufferings to bear; but that's ok, because as a follower of Jesus Christ, I embrace my crosses or sufferings as gifts from God, instead of denying them. I will continue to smile like a real, or authentic, and joyous Christian, and offer them for the healing of all abused children.
Especially during this time of Lent, when I encounter the Suffering Jesus or Christ Crucified by praying unceasingly for my kids' & grandkids' faith & love for God, and an end to the killing or abortion of children; avoiding temptations of the flesh, luxuries, and self-righteousness through fasting, not just from food, but also Facebook, material goods, ill will, and gossip; and almsgiving by opening my wallet or bank account, and give food, water & shelter to impoverished and abandoned children (or, if this is not possible, then send the money to reputable charitable organizations for abused children.)
Finally, I firmly resolve, to embrace my Cross with joy, peace & love, and accept whatever suffering, hurts, or pains from family & friends (especially my own children, siblings, in-laws, relatives, brothers & sisters, collegues, and even from strangers,) that come my way, as gifts & blessings from the Resurrected Jesus Christ, not only because I have no more bitterness, resentments, unforgiveness, hatred, and anger towards anyone (even if I have to ask for the gift of discernment from the Holy Spirit, and hold my ground, sometimes, such as when a loved one stops calling me after the ringing of the New Year, and give that person tough love by not talking to him or her either until he or she called, or I have to leave out someone in my Facebook or other social media-- which means that I don't want any enmity or misunderstanding to exist between us;) that I understand where you're coming from, and I feel for you more than you can fathom or imagine, because I love and care about you; and last, but not the least, my crosses are so light considering that God has opened for me Everlasting Life in His Kingdom someday, and I want you all there with me.
So help me God.
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