Appearances deceive!... Do not judge a book by its cover!... Or, better still, don't even think that you look better than the next person because, "you'll beget ugly children!" That's what my Mom used to say to me and my siblings when we criticized other people's looks, because we were too young & immature to know better.
Anyway, there is a difference beween stating a fact and bragging, or concealment of truth and false humility, according to the degree of one's honesty. The honest truth lies neither in the eyes of the beholder nor someone's perfect hearing acuity in both ears, but rather, according to the speaker's self esteem.
Which reminds me of Fr. Sonny Ramirez, O.P., who did not only start the Charismatic prayer group in our parish in Bergenfield, New Jersey, two years before I joined them, but happens to be a mentor, friend, and an inspiration to me, spiritually. He came to the US regularly in the 90's and early 2000 in order to conduct Catholic Life in the Spirit Seminars in the Charismatic Renewal, and sent a word to me (as the prayer group coordinator & servant leader) from where he was staying, that he was in town and available to meet our brothers & sisters for Holy Mass in our Parish Church of St. John the Evangelist, and/or prayer meeting at home. Before the event, I usually fetched him first on the day that he was free, and got him a haircut and professional massage, then brought him as my guest to the Fitness Center where I was a member, so that he could use the facilities that he liked best, particularly the pool, sauna & steam room, followed by a sumptuous brunch at IHOP, because I liked to spoil him (which I thought was better than driving him to Atlantic City casinos to watch shows, eat buffets, and play the slot machines.)
In return, he would give me a tour of the church where he was assigned when I visited him, and let me stay at the Dominican priests' guest house at Our Lady of Manaoag Shrine in Pangasinan, Philippines; or invite me to his Safe House for abused and abandoned children, and at the Dominican Provincial home in Santo Domingo Church & Convent, which were both located in Quezon City, Metro Manila. What an honor to always accept his invitations, especially during his 25th Anniversary to the priesthood, where I was shocked to see his friend, the former President of the Philippines Joseph Estrada bring up the Offertory gifts during the Eucharistic procession while being guarded by the incumbent President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo's men because he was still under house arrest; and felt humbled to be introduced by him as a US-based filmmaker who wrote, directed & produced my first feature film as a student in New York University to his showbiz friends Tito Sotto, Christopher De leon, Sandy Andolong, and other movie stars who were members of his Charismatic group Oasis of Love. But more importantly, the icing on the cake of my being friendly with him was seeing my Mom with that beautiful smile on her face when she saw Fr. Sonny concelebrate a Thanksgiving Mass with my classmate & friend Fr. Antonio Aureada, O.P., the Vice-Rector for Academic Affairs & Regent of the Graduate School of the Catholic University of Santo Tomas/UST, in her living room in Macabebe, Pampanga, in honor of her 90th birthday. Our neighbors, who couldn't fit inside our home, gawked at him from the outside of our jalousied windows as a celebrity and Mass celebrant, but mostly because they wanted to see & hear him preach for real, not just on TV, but in person, because he was an excellent, down-to-earth, faith-based, and scriptural homilist.
It was during one of those long distance provincial trips in his car and with his driver in the Philippines that I recalled to him my awesome first experience of speaking in tongue, when I felt the indwelling of the 3 Divine Persons of God-- Father, Son and the Holy Sprit-- within me (see BLOG: Speaking of Tongue at InSearchOf PerfectFriendship.com.) However, I was overcome by fear & trembling when I couldn't stop my tongue from moving and making guttural sounds nonstop in crescendo, as soon as I opened my mouth joyfully and uttered Abba in order to begin praising God the Father; after I felt the peaceful warmth of the Holy Spirit inside my heart or chest; while I saw the loving Face of Jesus inside my head or mind! What did it mean?
Fr. Sonny told me that it was normal for me to tremble and be afraid in the Presence of the Almighty, and collapsed on the floor while I laid prostrated in front of the Lord's altar in our master's bedroom, which turned into His Holy Ground at that point. However, according to him, it was very rare even for saints or holy people to feel the Presence of God in 3 Divine Persons, all at once, while speaking in tongue; and that there must be a reason why the Lord allowed that to happen within me. I got goosebumps upon hearing that; and every time I recalled that blessed moment, even while I was driving, stopped my car in order to pray to God, thanked Jesus Christ, and asked the Holy Spirit to reveal to me what was happening in my psyche.
It took a while before I mustered enough courage to tell Fr. Sonny that I was sexually abused as a young boy, just like the children in his care at the Safe House for them in the Philippines; after realizing that that must have been the reason why God let me feel His Trinitarian Presence inside my soul (after having been cleansed through constant & faith-filled purification, by receiving His Sacraments of Reconciliation & Holy Eucharist, reading His Words in the Sacred Scriptures every day, attending the Spiritual Growth Seminar & Workshop every week, and asking the Holy Spirit to enkindle in me the spiritual gift of Speaking in Tongue, in preparation for our Charismatic group's Life in the Spirit Seminar in St. John the Evangelist Church.) Did God also mean that my body, heart and mind were no longer dirty after my history of pre-pubescent sexual abuse? But I was sure He knew that I was still a sinner, and committed many sins while I was already in the Renewal. To this day, I will never forget what the Lord told me through him, during that counselling at home in New Jersey. He said that it will take time for me to realize that Jesus was healing me from the effects of child abuse, because even though I survived the ordeal, my self-esteem had been trampled at its lowest depths; and that it will be very hard for me to repair and restore it. It's like the glass of a picture frame that had been broken which could never be put together again even if you glued all the pieces back, because the lines of brokenness would always be there, just like the trauma of child abuse; whereby no amount of psychological therapy will suffice to erase the the encription or lasting effects and memories of child abuse, and get rid of them in the victim's database system or memory; hence, he would always be susceptible to abusing sex, drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, or killing himself eventually in order to end it all. The good news is, I was not condemned to hopelessness because Jesus, the Healer, Who welcomes all children to come to Him, is always there for me, and the only One Who can truly heal me, as long as I choose to cling to Him.
I came out of that session vowing to myself not to let anybody trample on my self-esteem again, not only by avoiding people who put me down, or putting them in their proper place when they do, especially the bullies, or those people who think that they are better or superior than me because they are rich, famous, powerful, attractive, more knowlegeable, mature, older & religious; afterall, unlike God Who loves us equally and let the sun shine and the rain pour on all of us, whether we are royalty, have more money, education & prestige, gay, lesbian or transexual, ugly, ignorant, or mentally & physically handicapped, Muslim Mormon or atheist, poorest of the poor, degenerative, or good for nothing, because He loves us just the same, even though we are all sinners and imperfect. That doesn't mean that He loves sin which is against His very Nature; but that He blesses you and me just like everybody else, because God's Grace & Mercy is for everyone; and nothing can separate us from the love of God, not even the devil; unless we choose to grieve or renounce the Holy Spirit, which is tantamount to an unforgivable sin.
Today, I try to keep my self-esteem up by lifting myself, just like what God, Mama Mary and all the angels and saints in Heaven do for me, and refrain from putting myself down by letting go of bad memories, people & events; writing & posting on my website and social media the memories blessed by God, that I retrieve-- not to brag about, but to feel good about myself; so that I can stay away from feeling down, lonely and depressed, which can sometimes lead to drugs and alcohol, or even suicide. And, I do not want to be a part of that statistics, or even the group of seniors who killed themselves later in life when news of another person's self-destruction triggered their horrific memories of sexual child abuse from the hands of people whom they trusted, such as family, friends and priests. Therefore, I ask Jesus, my Perfect Friend, by praying to Him unceasingly in front of the Blessed Sacrament & altars inside our home, to keep me in the right state of mind when I start feeling blue, and continue healing me every moment of my life. I ask Him also for the healing of all abused & abandoned children (through His Mother Mary's intercession, just like during the wedding in Cana, when Jesus performed His first miracle of changing water into wine, even though it wasn't the right time yet to reveal His Glory, but did it anyway because He can't say no to His mother, who loved and took care of Him from when He was still a young boy or an infant, until He was hanging and dying on the Cross) by forming with my wife Gie (after telling my Bible study teacher & Charismatic adviser-- Fr. Bill Halbing, and getting the approval of my pastor & spiritual director-- Monsignor Rich,) the Sto. Nino Healing Prayer Ministry.
Now, it pains me when I read about people ending their lives, that leaves a void in other people's mind, asks hard questions about their own suffering & the meaning of their lives, and inquires about the possible redemption of their troubled existence. Before that, I used to even judge and blame people who commit suicide for being losers, sick, and self-absorbed; or get angry at God because it was too close for comfort, for me to think otherwise. Not anymore.
Especially now that I'm 64, I really don't care what other people think or say about me & my family, as long as they do not say it to my face, and hear them; or read it on Facebook and other social media, because whoever puts me down or shades my family is trampling on my self-esteem; and they will definitely hear from me, because it is wrong to judge or condemn other people. Even Jesus does not condemn us; so, I will get into the bottom of it, if people condemn or spread malicious lies and gossip about us, tell them not to do it again & why, and forgive & pray for them, because they don't know what they're doing.
In the meantime, as long as I'm not hurting anyone, I will say to you, or post it on social media whatever I think is right; not because I'm bragging, (coz I'm not; otherwise; I'll keep my abuse a secret) but rather, it makes me happy to praise & thank the Lord when I'm being blessed by Him, and post those blessed things & our blessed memories, because I'm just stating facts, even it rubs on you; and reject false humility, while not concealing but embracing the truth, even if you don't like it because you were convicted by it, while it was non-threatening. Besides, life is too short, for me to even worry about these, if you don't get it.
But at the same time, I would rather surround myself with people who treat me right, lift me up, and forgive me when I make mistakes, most especially my own family, relatives and friends; smile with them and at their sense of humor, whenever I see them; or perhaps recognize the Glory of God even among strangers, and those who perceive me as their enemy. But most of all, I will continue to bless & pray for all the children "to whom the Kingdom of God belong," and lift up together our kindred spirits, especially the abused & unborn children of God. Finally, I shall never feel hopeless again, because I truly believe in God the Father, Son & the Holy Spirit.
And, I hope, you too!
(To be concluded...)
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