Ever since I was a little boy, people who saw my big black mole on my right back shoulder told me that I'd be carrying a cross all my life; but I didn't believe them, and just took their observation with a grain of salt.  As far as I can remember, my Mom was the first one who told me that, but I was too young then to understand what she meant.

            And even when I was abused sexually by a relative and a neighbor when I was 10 years old in Grade 5, developed an ear infection which took three years to finally get cured when my Dad took me to a Chinese EENT doctor in Divisoria for months, or relegated to the dustbins of Academic Honor Roll in elementary & high school because of favoritism and with no connections or patronages, I never thought of them as crosses, and didn't complain (except maybe in senior high during our Foundation's evening school program, when I got drunk and confronted our Irish Columban parish priest and school director, for touching some girls inappropriately after summoning them in the Rectory to address his Christmas cards with their beautiful penmanship.)

           Why?  Maybe because I was too naive or ignorant; plus my Dad discouraged me from fighting back and told me to just report those who bullied me to my teacher-adviser, when we moved to another province. But I still got in trouble; and Papa was summoned for a conference, and picked me up at our high school principal's office twice, after getting into fights.  I guess, I was always acting out at home and in school, whatever unrequited aggression I had inside me; and I remember him telling me at home after seeing and talking to our school principal the second time: Not  to get into fights anymore if I want to go to college; we're Kapampangans (from Pampanga) and not Zambaleños (from Zambales;) we're in town because of our furniture business; we're 'istrangeros' in Sta. Cruz, so I need you to cooperate, not to complain, or make any waves; then you can go to college in Manila just like your sister and brother, after graduating in high school.

            I had the best time of my life in the Philippines for 10 years while I was in Manila, inspite of Martial Law and the prevailing degeneracy that accompanied it, because I was a free bird who stood up for my individual rights, while I excelled in college, even if I didn't have enough money (but found a way anyway,) became more philosophical and liberal because of bad relationships and the political atmosphere,  smoked & drank more,  but became very lonely at times around the holidays, even when I was at the Graduate School of the premier Pontifical University of Santo Tomas, while holding three jobs and making good money in Metro Manila as a professor -- school administrator -- radio program moderator, but still thought of ending what I considered a fabulous life, away from the Cross, and before coming to America.

            Anyway, the United States of America is the land of the free (if you're smart enough to foment prejudice and discrimination when I arrived in 1981,) but it's not the home for crybabies or cowards.  Thank God, I found my loving family here in Gie, Osbert & Claire-Voe, my wife & kids, after so many trials and difficulties in America, not the least of which was when our three children--Marigold, Ivan, and Jon-Fergus, miscarried during my wife's three pregnancies.

            But, I never considered these disappointments and tribulations as crosses. In fact, I had to toughen up when I got into real estate as a broker-salesperson, instead of losing sleep at my clients who eschewed loyalty and bought houses from other agents, after showing them many houses for months (sometimes a year,) and spending my time, money, and effort while driving them around Bergen County, New Jersey, to find an excellent house, that they liked. I knew that I was an excellent, caring & knowledgeable realtor who gave them great advice without even thinking of how much commission I was making because I treated them as friends; but if they decided to buy from someone else, then it's their loss, not mine; and I slept soundly at night, instead of thinking about them (by the way, including my siblings, in-laws, and friends, because I was always good or unselfish to them, and applied the same principle, in order not to suffer from insomnia, or get hurt by their actions.)

            But what really hardened my heart, was when I had a heart-to-heart talk with Father Sonny-- our Dominican Charismatic Adviser and Founder of our Prayer Group in St. John's, who'd been working with abused & abandoned children in his Ministry in Quezon City, Philippines.  He told me to pray to Jesus for healing, especially the healing of my self-esteem, which was destroyed by my abusers; and not to let anybody put me down anymore, or allow them to say or insinuate in a very subtle way that they are better or superior than me, instead of recognizing that we're all equal and imperfect men and women, as children of God.  I did, but unfortunately, it's not easy, because if you put people in their proper places, and reveal that nobody is perfect except God, or you're all on equal footing, then they think that you're nuts, have a superiority complex, or they don't want to talk to you anymore.

            Praise God! we retired in Las Vegas and got rid of all my bitterness, resentments, unforgiveness, and hatred.  I still get upset sometimes, but not for long (especially with this coronavirus that is ruining our upcoming cruise,) and now acknowledge my crosses in life, instead of denying them. But they're nothing compared to the goodness of the Lord, Who has given me and my family tremendous blessings through all these years, which we didn't deserve, such us the gift of life (like the birth of our granddaughters Xio & Violet,) and the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, Who restored us from sin and death, into a New Life, by clinging to Him.

            Today, I look at the Cross as preached by St. Paul in I Corinthian 1:23 "not as a stumbling block or foolishness," for the Gentiles & Jews, but as "Christ Crucified."  Or, again in I Corinthian 1:18 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." In other words, it is through our crosses that we are able to be transformed into Jesus' image, when we share in His Suffering and Death on the Cross.

            In Matthew 16:24, Jesus Christ Himself said to the crowd, "If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me."  It's difficult, but I try it anyway, especially by avoiding being a cross to someone else, because I have no control of how people are going to react to me. But if they take their suffering positively, even if they perceive you as a cross to them, then the life of Christ can be manifested in them.

            What I'm saying is: As long as I'm alive here on earth, I know that I will always have crosses or sufferings to bear; but that's ok, because as a follower of Jesus Christ, I embrace my crosses or sufferings as gifts from God, instead of denying them. I will continue to smile like a real, or authentic, and joyous Christian, and offer them for the healing of all abused children. 

            Especially during this time of Lent, when I encounter the Suffering Jesus or Christ Crucified by praying unceasingly for my kids' & grandkids' faith & love for God, and an end to the killing or abortion of children; avoiding temptations of the flesh, luxuries, and self-righteousness through fasting, not just from food, but also Facebook, material goods, ill will, and gossip; and almsgiving by opening my wallet or bank account, and give food, water &  shelter to impoverished and abandoned children (or, if this is not possible, then send the money to reputable charitable organizations for abused children.) 

            Finally, I firmly resolve, to embrace my Cross with joy, peace & love, and accept whatever suffering, hurts, or pains from family & friends (especially my own children, siblings, in-laws, relatives, brothers & sisters, collegues, and even from strangers,) that come my way, as gifts & blessings from the Resurrected Jesus Christ, not only because I have no more bitterness, resentments, unforgiveness, hatred, and anger towards anyone (even if I have to ask for the gift of discernment from the Holy Spirit, and hold my ground, sometimes, such as when a loved one stops calling me after the ringing of the New Year, and give that person tough love by not talking to him or her either until he or she called, or I have to leave out someone in my Facebook or other social media-- which means that I don't want any enmity or misunderstanding to exist between us;)  that I understand where you're coming from, and I feel for you more than you can fathom or imagine, because I love and care about you; and last, but not the least, my crosses are so light considering that God has opened for me Everlasting Life in His Kingdom someday, and I want you all there with me.

So help me God.

           In the old country, particularly in my former province of Pampanga, this Lenten spectacle has attracted foreign media in print, TV & Cable broadcasting, film, and live internet streaming because of so many men, and sometimes even women who walk around from mid-day until late afternoon under the summer heat of the scourching sun, barefooted along the highways, from barangay to barangay, and other towns or provinces, dressed like Jesus Christ, with head sacks covering their faces but not their eyes, while carrying a cross, or simply self-flagellating and scourging their exposed backs with whips or chains from left to right, in order to atone for their sins, while becoming oblivious to their pain and suffering, and the crowds encourage them from their self-immolation, with very few people, or nobody jeering at them, which culminates in the actual nailing on the cross, or crucifixion of one of the penitents in the community, and a real Passion Play comes before your eyes, if you are actually there witnessing this chaotic and gory reenactment of what transpired on Good Friday in Calvary.

            This practice, while not sanctioned but discouraged officially by local and national Christian churches is so common, that I remember starting my own Cenaculo or Passion play at a very young age (I could not have been more than 10 years old,) by gathering all the kids in the neighborhood, and designating one of my younger cousins to carry the makeshift cross made of rattan around the yard, while the other children acted as centurions whipping and nailing Jesus on the cross, followed by the King of the Jews bowing his head upon death, with make believe exuberance, and fake sadness from the participants.

            Later on in my late 40's, the Suffering Servant, or the Passion & Death of Christ would become the driving force masking the real sexual abuse that was inflicted to my main protagonist as a young girl by her Uncle, in my semi-autobiographical master thesis feature film entitled Perfect Friendship, that I wrote, shot, directed, and edited in NYU, based on Aristotle's Philosophy of Friendship, and my dream about the Second Coming of Christ, which in my movie fomented the destruction of the main character's love & friendship towards her best friend, and the latter's dissolution of her marriage, brought about by her husband's infidelity who was seduced by her abused friend.

            As a Christian, the Cross is celebrated as an instrument of salvation during its Feast every year (which falls on September 14, 2020 this year in the Roman Missal,) known as the Exaltation of the Cross, the Triumph of the Cross, or Holy Cross Day.  For Catholics, who prefer the Crucifix (with Jesus on it crucified,) the Feast is not a Holy Day of Obligation, but like all other Christians, the Cross is a universal symbol of the Christian faith, which represents Christ's victory over death.  It is the sign of Christ Himself, and the faith of the laity; hence at the center of every Catholic church is the Crucifix of Jesus Christ-- a symbol of 'victorious reversal,' meaning,  the cross, which was once so hated and feared as a form of punishment & death, is now "a symbol that points to the past, and now brings or gives hope for the future" as memorialized in the Sign of the Cross, which for us Catholics is altogether, a prayer, a blessing, and a sacramental.

            Today, I don't have to take part in a crusade just like in the 4th Century, when Emperor Constantine converted to Christianity, abolished crucifixion as punishment, and promoted the Cross as a symbol of the Son of God, or adopted it as a Christian iconography.   Whereas the True Cross of Jesus Christ Crucified (made from cedar, pine & cypress trees according to the Sacred Tradition of the Orthodox Christian Church) was found by St. Helena, the mother of Constantine the Great during her pilgrimage to the Holy Land in 326 AD, enhanced and promoted as a symbol of the Son of God by her son, I didn't want anything to do with it except as a prop during my Passion play as a young boy, or during my thesis filmmaking, and up to my recent outing in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal because of ignorance, or hardening of my heart.

(To be concluded...)

             I always had a high threshold for pain and suffering, not because I came from the Philippines where we're used to poverty, calamities, and corrupt politicians, so that the majority of us just grin and bear it, continued our lives with a smile on our faces, and had unquestioning and natural hospitality for foreigners, whether they were white, dark, yellow or pale; but because most of us, or about 89% were Christians who grew up trustworthy, and too familiar with the Passion and Death of Jesus Christ which was handed down to us from generations to generations after 400 years of Catholic but brutal military Spanish conquest and colonialism, and had become so ingrained in our psyche, religiosity, and way of life, that we internalized it as our very own lighthearted pain and suffering, and just attributed it to our 'bahala na' (which comes from Bathala/God,) or come what may attitude.

            Today, death comes early in the Philippines, not only because of President Duterte's extrajudicial killings of drug addicts and pushers by military-designated killing squads (but not for big fishes/drug smugglers,) but also naturally for ordinary Filipinos who like to drown their sorrows and be merry, while celebrating their annual barrio & town fiestas in honor of their village Patron Saints, or getting together with family and friends during baptisms & confirmations, weddings & anniversaries, holidays & Holy Days, especially Christmas & New Year, reunions, or bievenida & despedida parties for balikbayans/expats & OFW's or Overseas Foreign Workers, by eating lots of fatty foods, smoking weeds or cigarettes, and drinking beer, rum or gin, and forget about their pain and sufferings by begetting more children, in order to increase their chances of having social security, prosperity, and mobility, while not using artificial birth controls like pills, condoms, IUD's, etc., that the Catholic Church (which still wields a lot of power in Filipino culture & society) forbids.  And, nothing can be truer in the Age of the Internet among the Filipino youth, who are spoiled with sophisticated smart phones and gadgets, especially if one of their parents is working abroad, and end up having babies before marriage, at a very young age.

            Don't get me wrong; but the Philippines is one of the most religious countries in the world, and Filipinos are widely known in the medical & nursing professions, their English language proficiency skills, or for being educated, resilient, hardworking,  and most sought after as sailors, nannies and caregivers worldwide. They are family-oriented,  and most of the parents are willing to sacrifice their lives, even working in foreign lands, for the good of their family, and children most especially.

           There are 10.2 million Filipinos who are now living or working abroad, which account for the 4th largest remittances worldwide totalling $40 billion dollars, and are sent by them to their families or relatives in the Philippines. The remittance industry in the Philippines is the second largest money maker in the country, while human resource is now its biggest export.  Not only is the Philippine government generating money out of these Filipinos, which keeps it afloat, but also Overseas Filipino Workers or OFW's and Filipino expats have become the biggest purveyors of Christianity around the globe (and I'm not just talking about Filipino clergy-missioners) but ordinary Filipinos who have envigorated the Christian churches and communities wherever they went, around the world. And for the first time, the ubiquitous  Filipino Pre-Christmas tradition called Simbang Gabi, or the 9-day Novena Mass leading to the birth of Jesus Christ, was celebrated last year, not only by Bishop Thomas of the Diocese of Las Vegas, but also in the Vatican by no less than Pope Francis.

            Aside from Christmas, there is nothing more self-evident with regard to the Christian zeal of Filipinos, than in their over-the-top celebration of the season of Lent, inspite of its solemnity in commemorating the suffering and death by crucifixion of our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

(To be continued...)

            Anyway, for my second tattoo which was inked beautifully & inexpensively in the Philippines for only $20, or PHP1,000 in 2 colors, red & blue, I thought it would be nice to put an image on the inside of my left foot that epitomized the person I run to when my faith in God is in trouble, or more simply when I'm losing it, and having what St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta called 'the darkness of the soul.'

            Although Gie, Mama, and Sr. Marieta introduced or strengthened my belief in Jesus Christ as my Lord & Savior, there is one Lady (I even doubted her to be worthy during my collegiate years because my intellect as a philosophy major couldn't grasp, like the Islamists, the idea of an Infinitely Perfect Being in God, as having a mother; hence, she was always the first person that the enemy attacked in order to shake and abandon my faith, which was very weak, indeed, due to the fact that I was already politically correct then, even before the word was invented, in thinking that all religions were the same, didn't want to offend any believers, and had persisting doubts of this Lady being the Mother of God, inspite of my belief in Jesus, as the Son of the Father, and God Himself, as divinely revealed by St. John the Evangelist in his Chapter One of the Sacred Scriptures,) who I sought, and granted my wish to be a joyful, honest, and true Christian again, every time my feet brought me to her; and that is, whenever my faith in Jesus Christ her Son faltered because of Satan's tricks.
 
            She's a mother, and her name is also Mary, like Mama, who was named after her.  And, what better way of honoring her feat and fiat than to etch Mama's favorite prayer, the Holy Rosary, as personified by the Blessed Mother of Jesus, on my left foot, in order to remind me of my first line of defense today in my spiritual warfare, by praying her Rosary and asking for her intercession whenever I was at my weakest and overwhelmed by 'the darkness in my soul,' in turmoil or in doubt of my spiritual life due to the devil's lies & deceptions, because "even demons are afraid of her," and couldn't stand her humility which is antithetical  to Satan's pride & envy, according to St. Padre Pio.

            And just like in the church tabernacle where Jesus in the form of the Holy Eucharist is reposed, Mary carried Jesus and fed Him with her own blood inside her womb, which served as a tabernacle that shielded Baby Jesus from harm for nine months.  Indeed, her cousin Elizabeth was right when she said "Blessed are you among all women;" while the baby  in her womb-- St. John the Baptist, who paved the way to Mary's Son Jesus Christ's coming, leapt with joy during his mom Elizabeth's reunion with, and faith-filled words to the Mother of God, when she also said "and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."

            Gie has a different take regarding moms like herself, but as a Dad to our children, there is no way I can fathom the farthest depths of a mother's anguish for her suffering Son with a mere glimpse of His Face, or looking up to her dying Son during His Crucifixion at the foot of His Cross.  I  can only imagine it while watching Mel Gibson's film Passion of Christ, and looking at the statue of Mary with 7 daggers piercing her heart, or at her face while holding the body of Jesus in her arms in Michaelangelo's Pieta masterpiece sculpture inside St. Peter's Basilica at the Vatican.

            Yet as a mother, Gie shares, not only in Mary's Magnificat, but also in the beating of our son Osbert's & daughter Claire-Voe's hearts, and knows their rhythms wherever they are (even today as she tried to explain it to me,) the way she nourished them with her own blood for nine months.

            I call it mother's intuition, or 'mother knows best' because I would not have been married to Gie for almost 40 years now, if not for Mama, and the Blessed Mother's intercession.

            First of all, I would have been married to the 1st Filipino Miss Universe Gloria Diaz lookalike, who was loving (she would wait for me & won't eat until I came home in the boarding house from work; or wiped my face & body with a warm towel when I got drank,) kindhearted (collected bath water in pails for my shower, early in the morning before I woke up, while she left for work, because running water was precious commodity in Manila then,) and ambitious to go abroad like myself because she was a nurse and I was a professor.

            She was courted or sought after by half of the men in our coed boarding house,  including my cousin Jun, before she became my girlfriend; but she only loved me, and I loved her.  I even took her to our village Fiesta, and introduced her to Papa (who didn't say a word ) and Mama, who told me that she's not the right woman for me, when she left.  And sure enough, I found out from her after coming back from our furniture store in another province, that she went out with her friends while I was away for a week. But later on, I heard some rumors circling around  her from other women in the boarding house about her going out with other friends and board mates.  I confronted and promised to love her no matter what happened, and she told me that she was drugged by one of the men,  and woke up in a motel. After that, I broke up with her, left the boarding house, and decided to come to America. 

          But, how did Mama know that she was not the right woman for me the first time she met her?  And, how did she conclude that it's ok for me to marry Gie (whom she had not seen yet) in the civil court, when my plan was to go back to my teaching job first in the Philippines because my sabbatical leave was over, then she could follow me, and we would have a grand wedding, with Fr. Fermin (the Catholic University of Santo Tomas Rector and friend of mine who was instrumental in me getting a Visiting Scholarship at Columbia University) officiating.

            The fact is if I did not listen to  Mama then (which was what Gie wanted anyway because she was pretty sure that her Dad wouldn't allow her to leave the US and follow me in the Philippines, after I proposed to her to marry me, inside a McDonald Restaurant near the Empire State Building in New York City, before going back to the Philippines,) and didn't buy Gie a dozen red roses, picked her up at her parents' apartment, and married her secretly in front of a judge in Jersey City, with no rings (although I bought her on layaway payments a 14 kt gold necklace for our engagement,) and with only $50 in my pocket (because I was only making $3.69 per hour working part-time at Prentice-Hall Publishing as an editorial assistant & then textbooks production editor, while studying at the same time, and sending all my spare money to my parents in the Philippines,) went to dinner at a Chinese place for our witnesses-- my bestfriend-driver-photographer Essex (who didn't want me to get married yet because we were having a great time double dating every weekend, but who ended up getting married himself after I did,) and husband & wife/landlord & landlady of mine, who were kind enough to let my new bride Gie stay with me for the night in one of the rooms upstairs that I was renting, then que sera, sera, because Gie and me would not have begotten Osbert & Claire-Voe, and Kendra, Xio & Violet  would not have been part of our family today.

            But Jesus is so good, and cannot say no to His mother Mary, just like at the Wedding in Cana, when it was not time yet for Him to reveal His true Nature as both God & Man, but was forced to reveal Himself by doing His 1st Miracle of changing water into wine for the newly-married couple who ran out of wine during their celebration, when His Mother Mary told the servants to do whatever her Son tells them to do.

            In the same manner, I kept asking the intercession of Mama Mary with a 9-Day Novena Mass at St. Cecilia Church in Englewood, New Jersey before taking the bus to Prentice-Hall, while Gie kept praying also on her way to Chubb & Sons in New York, for her Son Jesus Christ to allow our civil wedding to happen without a hitch, if it's going to be good for both of us here on earth, until death do we part, because we both do not believe in divorce, while we're waiting for our marriage license and the results of our blood test (which was a requirement then) to come out.

            The rest was history, but our devotion to the Blessed Mother, and our Faith in Jesus Christ as Lord & Savior is ongoing...