Gie & I staggered our New Year's Eve celebration into three segments, which were preceded by three separate prayer vigils, followed by its corresponding seafood, chicken or beef dinner, that coincided with calls from Osbert at 12 midnight in Italy but 3 pm in Las Vegas, from Claire-Voe, Kendra & Xiomara at the strike of 2017 in New Jersey while the Big Apple dropped in NYC's Times Square and 9 pm for us in Vegas. Finally at 12 midnight Pacific Standard Time, Gie & I rocked Las Vegas New Year 2017 on TV. We had the usual New Year's kiss, champagne toast, noisemaking around the house and Noche Buena or midnight supper which lasted until 3 o'clock in the morning. It was a wonderful and blessed celebration by all accounts since we covered all the bases--faith, hope, love, and joy. But, I still couldn't bring myself to sleep when we went to bed afterwards because something wasn't right, and I didn't know what. Maybe I wasn't as tired like I used to because we didn't have any guests to entertain. Or, probably because I didn't prepare my New Year's resolutions, goals, objectives and plan of actions, which I felt there was no need for them at all, due to the fact that I was already retired.
Finally, I fell asleep thinking that I was just being sentimental about spending New Year in front of Jesus Christ in the form of the Holy Eucharist at the strike of midnight, during Mass in St. Antoninus chapel with Fr. Bill Halbing and our Bible study group. I knew that I was getting nostalgic of welcoming another year with a clean heart, or without sin and guilt bothering me, because Fr. Bill was always there to hear our Confessions and be reconciled with God before receiving Him in Holy Communion. Everything else stood still at that point, that is, after you receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and you are full of the Holy Spirit within you, that you become oblivious to everything that is happening and forget about, not only partaking in the potluck dinner, but also calling your children or loved ones, even when you're already halfway home driving on the Turnpike; until you finally hear your cell phone rings, and it is them--our children calling and wondering about whatever happened to their parents on New Year's eve.
Of course, the real culprit in my fresh 2017 restlessness revealed itself after I woke up so late on New Year's day realizing that I had too many unanswered questions in my head, which I conveniently ignored in the past. But more importantly, I had been trying to avoid them because either I didn't know the answers or was afraid to search my soul by asking God, and find the ugly truths or redeeming lies underneath them, or get locked in the horns of my dilemma. In other words, I couldn't bear to carry and embrace my Cross any longer by following some of the teachings of the Catholic Church that I thought were hard to swallow, without being a hypocrite. It was easier for me to keep quiet and pretend that I was a good disciple of Jesus Christ rather than confront my predicament, or scratch only the surface of my faith, so as not to expose its gaping wounds, by becoming a loud but intelligent advocate for or against issues (like Duterte's extrajudicial killings or Trump's campaign & election) that I was very passionate about, which was well and good, by the way, rather than sail this big ocean of theological & moral uncertainty, rock my boat, and sink in it.
First and foremost, I am against the cheapening of human life by all kinds of killings; you name it--wars, beheadings, extrajudicial killings, euthanasia, suicide, capital punishment or death penalty, but most of all, abortion and the abuse of children (that kills their spirit & self-esteem) whether it's physical, psychological, sexual, hard labor, trafficking, starvation, soldiering, neglect or abandonment. Also, I cringe and get upset when I read about priests and bishops still abusing children sexually, and covering it up, which is worse, or for the Vatican choosing not to defrock the abuser-priests and commuting their punishment in order for them to avoid jail time, while sending them to therapy and a life of private prayer (which the erring clergy should have been doing in the first place, instead of abusing or raping children or teenagers) in the guise of mercy and compassion. Whatever happened to the words of Jesus Christ warning those who harm children when He said that, "It is better for a man to tie a millstone around his neck and plunge himself into the deepest part of the ocean, than to harm any of the little ones to whom the Kingdom of God belongs." Did Pope Francis even thought of this verse when he kept those abominable criminals as "priests forever in the line of Melchizedek?"
Lord, since when did Your Church and Vicar on Earth have to be politically correct?
Is Pope Francis speaking ex cathedra about faith & morals, and therefore infallible, when he ignores the pain & suffering of victims of sexual abuse & terrrorism, and extend an olive branch of mercy & forgiveness to predators, terrorists and liberal despots, while being lukewarm to conservative leaders, ideals and populace that's sweeping nations because they're tired of the elite's agenda of world domination through globalization, that allows the rich 10% of the earth's population to control 90% of the world's goods & resources? Maybe, our Pope is only following the footsteps of Moses who allowed divorce among God's people because of the hardness of their hearts, even though God forbade it. After all, who in his right mind today will pass judgement on divorced individuals when it has become the norm in the US and other progressive countries (just like euthanasia, weeds, and same-sex marriage) that even the Catholic Church is in a quandary as to allowing divorced Catholics to receive the Body & Blood of Christ in Holy Communion. Well, they do it anyway, whether the Church forbids it, or not. But, why are so many Catholics, most especially the young people, do not follow the teachings of Christ or the Catholic Church anymore?
It's very confusing for us parents too, my Lord. That is why we trusted Your priests and opened our hearts to them for answers as to the teachings of the Catholic Church. Gie and I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, which must be blessed by God, Who is the third party in the Sacred Matrimony. Neither do we believe in divorce, and advised all couples who came to us not to do it and persevere in their union. And, if they were living together as unmarried couple, I encouraged them to get married in the Church and have children, even if our pastor told us not to. I guess he was right because, sure enough, they get divorced after a few or more years, just like 50% of all heterosexual and 60% of all same-sex married couples in the US. At the same time, I felt relieved and happy for their children when they're spared from a protracted and agonizing war zone inside their homes, or one of their parents moved on with a brand new wife, a happy marriage, and a newborn baby; while another young divorced guy was dealt a second chance of finding a better soulmate, just like my brother & his second wife, and also after the breakdown of our son's marriage. Therefore, was Moses right to allow divorce, and God was wrong in forbidding it? Or, was I stupid to even consult an unmarried priest, much more the Sacred Scriptures, instead of just going with the flow of modern life?
The same thing is true with same sex marriage. Should we follow the Sacred Scriptures that forbid it and risk judging and alienating our only daughter who chose to follow her heart and married another woman? Is it really that bad compared to sexual abuse and slaughtering of children by abortion, or ISIS beheadings and terrorist bombings that kill innocent lives? Anyway, I noticed that when the priest is gay, he was more open to same sex unions, and even encouraged Gie during Confession to support and attend our daughter's wedding, while a very conservative closeted priest that we knew forbid us adamantly in agreeing with her decision. Gie and I chose the former and supported our daughter because we love her and didn't want to split our family over this issue. We accepted the person she loves just like our son's ex-wife, and treated them like our own daughters. And even before Xiomara was born, we knew in our hearts that she was our granddaughter, and showered her profusely with our love and affection while babysitting her last Thanksgiving when we came to see them.. Not only that, but I made sure that Xiomara's parents, our family and friends understood that our lovable first grandchild is not fatherless with two mommies, but rather has a loving Father in Heaven just like any of us, whether you believe in God or not, and not just father-figures like her many uncles, male cousins, and our son who will be her godfather soon. But also, she will be baptized in the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in spring of this year, and raised as a Christian, not as an atheist. But neither shall she be baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, as much as we want to, because of obvious reasons. Jesus, why does it have to be so complicated when we're on Your side? You want us to follow You, and yet, do You know what it takes to do that? It's not easy being a Christian; but why do You make it so hard?
No wonder so many Catholics are leaving Your Church, and the youth of today are more engaged in sports and social media than in worshiping You on Sunday's. Neither do most of them want to devote their lives in serving You as priests. Don't get me wrong, but with the exception of two Filipino clergymen, we love or like all our priests. But the truth is priests are also humans and easily swayed by our fast-paced culture in this Age of the Internet, because they are wired like us, and take the easy cop out of asking their parishioners who have moral questions what their consciences say, or if they are bothered by it (just like the psychiatrists do with their patients) instead of explaining to them painstakingly what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says. I know so because it happened to us when Gie and I thought of using contraceptives during our reproductive years, and the priest who married us concluded that if our consciences didn't bother us, then just do it. The same thing is true with going to Confession or not; that is, we learned from a priest that if the sin does not bother us, then we don't even have to confess it, or don't feel guilty if we are unable to go to Confession because we are all sinners; and therefore, we can still receive Jesus during Holy Communion. No wonder most Catholics don't go to Confession any longer. But, the worst part for me is when a priest doubts or does not even believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Holy Eucharist anymore, which you can tell through his words and actions, when he goes by his priestly motions in a business manner or like an automaton waiting to be retired. And, as a believer, you begin to doubt yourself sometimes, and try to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation in order to resolve your doubts, before distributing the Holy Eucharist when you're serving Jesus as His Eucharistic Minister. And, the same thing is true when you're proclaiming the Words of God as a lector in front of the congregation. But unlike my Mom who never stopped praying even in her final days, as a sign of her simple yet strong faith in God, what happens when I'm losing the zeal to do so?
Sometimes, the guilt of being unworthy is so overwhelming, especially when you are leading a prayer community and you're not getting the same spiritual & moral support that you used to get from your previous spiritual advisers and the brothers & sisters in your original Charismatic group that inspired you, and you decide to quit. As much as I wanted my faith in my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to continue sprouting like a mustard seed and growing into a gigantic tree and sheltering my brothers and sister in its shade, or lighting up the world like an open lamp and illuminating those who are in darkness-- it's hard, when my prayer life is in shambles, my spiritual gift of dreams is gone, and my trust in some Charismatic leaders has evaporated. Now that I'm retired after working continually for 42 years, raising and sending two wonderful kids to college, paid my dues by giving back to my Church and community for 25 years, don't You want me my Lord to spend the rest of my life enjoying the fruits of my labor with my wife, and just be a regular member instead of a leader of our prayer meeting, which was never easy for and undeserving of me, anyway?
I know that I'm supposed to love my enemy and do good to those who hate me, which is really water under the bridge for us, when Jesus Christ, through the intercession of His mother Mary and foster dad St. Joseph, moved us to Las Vegas. Hence, it's not about them. And, neither does it pertain to my wife and kids, because Lord, You know how much I love them, and I have no doubts that they love me too. It is the people in between who sometimes act unlovable because of their pride, envy, malice & gossiping, or treat you the way they knew you when you were young & didn't know any better or younger & naive, and can't seem to move on and accept the fact that you are now older, wiser, blessed like everyone else, and equal with anyone in the eyes of God, as it was, and had always been (even if you grew up materially poor while they had favoritism, wealth and family clout on their sides.) And according to You, I must love them as my neighbor-- someone not so far removed from me, like friends and family who must be treated with affection, mercy and compassion, at all times.
Holy Spirit, why can't I just ignore them and avoid the hurts, guilt and resentments flowing from these situations, and concentrate in feeding hungry children, advocating for abused children or against abortion, and getting ready for Your Second Coming?
Or, maybe You can repeat the miracle of the sun this year as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of the apparition of Your Mom in Fatima, for a change of their hearts and my heart, or bring more converts from other faiths to Your Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, while she's crushing the head of the serpent, who lies about You, and likes to put enmity between us all, Your creatures.
And, as we embark on a cruise and tracing Your Footsteps in the Holy Lands, can You please keep us safe and our home, but most especially our children & Xiomara, and renew or strengthen our faith in You?
If it is not asking too much, then please heal, save and let me see You again, with my wife at my side?
Last but not the least, I know that You know that it's a lot easier to be an atheist, and forget all about these questions inside my head, and still live a fairly decent life, I guess. But, I chose not to because, I believe that "You Have The Words Of Everlasting Life!"
Amen.
Finally, I fell asleep thinking that I was just being sentimental about spending New Year in front of Jesus Christ in the form of the Holy Eucharist at the strike of midnight, during Mass in St. Antoninus chapel with Fr. Bill Halbing and our Bible study group. I knew that I was getting nostalgic of welcoming another year with a clean heart, or without sin and guilt bothering me, because Fr. Bill was always there to hear our Confessions and be reconciled with God before receiving Him in Holy Communion. Everything else stood still at that point, that is, after you receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and you are full of the Holy Spirit within you, that you become oblivious to everything that is happening and forget about, not only partaking in the potluck dinner, but also calling your children or loved ones, even when you're already halfway home driving on the Turnpike; until you finally hear your cell phone rings, and it is them--our children calling and wondering about whatever happened to their parents on New Year's eve.
Of course, the real culprit in my fresh 2017 restlessness revealed itself after I woke up so late on New Year's day realizing that I had too many unanswered questions in my head, which I conveniently ignored in the past. But more importantly, I had been trying to avoid them because either I didn't know the answers or was afraid to search my soul by asking God, and find the ugly truths or redeeming lies underneath them, or get locked in the horns of my dilemma. In other words, I couldn't bear to carry and embrace my Cross any longer by following some of the teachings of the Catholic Church that I thought were hard to swallow, without being a hypocrite. It was easier for me to keep quiet and pretend that I was a good disciple of Jesus Christ rather than confront my predicament, or scratch only the surface of my faith, so as not to expose its gaping wounds, by becoming a loud but intelligent advocate for or against issues (like Duterte's extrajudicial killings or Trump's campaign & election) that I was very passionate about, which was well and good, by the way, rather than sail this big ocean of theological & moral uncertainty, rock my boat, and sink in it.
First and foremost, I am against the cheapening of human life by all kinds of killings; you name it--wars, beheadings, extrajudicial killings, euthanasia, suicide, capital punishment or death penalty, but most of all, abortion and the abuse of children (that kills their spirit & self-esteem) whether it's physical, psychological, sexual, hard labor, trafficking, starvation, soldiering, neglect or abandonment. Also, I cringe and get upset when I read about priests and bishops still abusing children sexually, and covering it up, which is worse, or for the Vatican choosing not to defrock the abuser-priests and commuting their punishment in order for them to avoid jail time, while sending them to therapy and a life of private prayer (which the erring clergy should have been doing in the first place, instead of abusing or raping children or teenagers) in the guise of mercy and compassion. Whatever happened to the words of Jesus Christ warning those who harm children when He said that, "It is better for a man to tie a millstone around his neck and plunge himself into the deepest part of the ocean, than to harm any of the little ones to whom the Kingdom of God belongs." Did Pope Francis even thought of this verse when he kept those abominable criminals as "priests forever in the line of Melchizedek?"
Lord, since when did Your Church and Vicar on Earth have to be politically correct?
Is Pope Francis speaking ex cathedra about faith & morals, and therefore infallible, when he ignores the pain & suffering of victims of sexual abuse & terrrorism, and extend an olive branch of mercy & forgiveness to predators, terrorists and liberal despots, while being lukewarm to conservative leaders, ideals and populace that's sweeping nations because they're tired of the elite's agenda of world domination through globalization, that allows the rich 10% of the earth's population to control 90% of the world's goods & resources? Maybe, our Pope is only following the footsteps of Moses who allowed divorce among God's people because of the hardness of their hearts, even though God forbade it. After all, who in his right mind today will pass judgement on divorced individuals when it has become the norm in the US and other progressive countries (just like euthanasia, weeds, and same-sex marriage) that even the Catholic Church is in a quandary as to allowing divorced Catholics to receive the Body & Blood of Christ in Holy Communion. Well, they do it anyway, whether the Church forbids it, or not. But, why are so many Catholics, most especially the young people, do not follow the teachings of Christ or the Catholic Church anymore?
It's very confusing for us parents too, my Lord. That is why we trusted Your priests and opened our hearts to them for answers as to the teachings of the Catholic Church. Gie and I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage, which must be blessed by God, Who is the third party in the Sacred Matrimony. Neither do we believe in divorce, and advised all couples who came to us not to do it and persevere in their union. And, if they were living together as unmarried couple, I encouraged them to get married in the Church and have children, even if our pastor told us not to. I guess he was right because, sure enough, they get divorced after a few or more years, just like 50% of all heterosexual and 60% of all same-sex married couples in the US. At the same time, I felt relieved and happy for their children when they're spared from a protracted and agonizing war zone inside their homes, or one of their parents moved on with a brand new wife, a happy marriage, and a newborn baby; while another young divorced guy was dealt a second chance of finding a better soulmate, just like my brother & his second wife, and also after the breakdown of our son's marriage. Therefore, was Moses right to allow divorce, and God was wrong in forbidding it? Or, was I stupid to even consult an unmarried priest, much more the Sacred Scriptures, instead of just going with the flow of modern life?
The same thing is true with same sex marriage. Should we follow the Sacred Scriptures that forbid it and risk judging and alienating our only daughter who chose to follow her heart and married another woman? Is it really that bad compared to sexual abuse and slaughtering of children by abortion, or ISIS beheadings and terrorist bombings that kill innocent lives? Anyway, I noticed that when the priest is gay, he was more open to same sex unions, and even encouraged Gie during Confession to support and attend our daughter's wedding, while a very conservative closeted priest that we knew forbid us adamantly in agreeing with her decision. Gie and I chose the former and supported our daughter because we love her and didn't want to split our family over this issue. We accepted the person she loves just like our son's ex-wife, and treated them like our own daughters. And even before Xiomara was born, we knew in our hearts that she was our granddaughter, and showered her profusely with our love and affection while babysitting her last Thanksgiving when we came to see them.. Not only that, but I made sure that Xiomara's parents, our family and friends understood that our lovable first grandchild is not fatherless with two mommies, but rather has a loving Father in Heaven just like any of us, whether you believe in God or not, and not just father-figures like her many uncles, male cousins, and our son who will be her godfather soon. But also, she will be baptized in the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, in spring of this year, and raised as a Christian, not as an atheist. But neither shall she be baptized in the Roman Catholic Church, as much as we want to, because of obvious reasons. Jesus, why does it have to be so complicated when we're on Your side? You want us to follow You, and yet, do You know what it takes to do that? It's not easy being a Christian; but why do You make it so hard?
No wonder so many Catholics are leaving Your Church, and the youth of today are more engaged in sports and social media than in worshiping You on Sunday's. Neither do most of them want to devote their lives in serving You as priests. Don't get me wrong, but with the exception of two Filipino clergymen, we love or like all our priests. But the truth is priests are also humans and easily swayed by our fast-paced culture in this Age of the Internet, because they are wired like us, and take the easy cop out of asking their parishioners who have moral questions what their consciences say, or if they are bothered by it (just like the psychiatrists do with their patients) instead of explaining to them painstakingly what the Catechism of the Catholic Church says. I know so because it happened to us when Gie and I thought of using contraceptives during our reproductive years, and the priest who married us concluded that if our consciences didn't bother us, then just do it. The same thing is true with going to Confession or not; that is, we learned from a priest that if the sin does not bother us, then we don't even have to confess it, or don't feel guilty if we are unable to go to Confession because we are all sinners; and therefore, we can still receive Jesus during Holy Communion. No wonder most Catholics don't go to Confession any longer. But, the worst part for me is when a priest doubts or does not even believe in the real presence of Jesus in the Holy Eucharist anymore, which you can tell through his words and actions, when he goes by his priestly motions in a business manner or like an automaton waiting to be retired. And, as a believer, you begin to doubt yourself sometimes, and try to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation in order to resolve your doubts, before distributing the Holy Eucharist when you're serving Jesus as His Eucharistic Minister. And, the same thing is true when you're proclaiming the Words of God as a lector in front of the congregation. But unlike my Mom who never stopped praying even in her final days, as a sign of her simple yet strong faith in God, what happens when I'm losing the zeal to do so?
Sometimes, the guilt of being unworthy is so overwhelming, especially when you are leading a prayer community and you're not getting the same spiritual & moral support that you used to get from your previous spiritual advisers and the brothers & sisters in your original Charismatic group that inspired you, and you decide to quit. As much as I wanted my faith in my Lord & Savior Jesus Christ to continue sprouting like a mustard seed and growing into a gigantic tree and sheltering my brothers and sister in its shade, or lighting up the world like an open lamp and illuminating those who are in darkness-- it's hard, when my prayer life is in shambles, my spiritual gift of dreams is gone, and my trust in some Charismatic leaders has evaporated. Now that I'm retired after working continually for 42 years, raising and sending two wonderful kids to college, paid my dues by giving back to my Church and community for 25 years, don't You want me my Lord to spend the rest of my life enjoying the fruits of my labor with my wife, and just be a regular member instead of a leader of our prayer meeting, which was never easy for and undeserving of me, anyway?
I know that I'm supposed to love my enemy and do good to those who hate me, which is really water under the bridge for us, when Jesus Christ, through the intercession of His mother Mary and foster dad St. Joseph, moved us to Las Vegas. Hence, it's not about them. And, neither does it pertain to my wife and kids, because Lord, You know how much I love them, and I have no doubts that they love me too. It is the people in between who sometimes act unlovable because of their pride, envy, malice & gossiping, or treat you the way they knew you when you were young & didn't know any better or younger & naive, and can't seem to move on and accept the fact that you are now older, wiser, blessed like everyone else, and equal with anyone in the eyes of God, as it was, and had always been (even if you grew up materially poor while they had favoritism, wealth and family clout on their sides.) And according to You, I must love them as my neighbor-- someone not so far removed from me, like friends and family who must be treated with affection, mercy and compassion, at all times.
Holy Spirit, why can't I just ignore them and avoid the hurts, guilt and resentments flowing from these situations, and concentrate in feeding hungry children, advocating for abused children or against abortion, and getting ready for Your Second Coming?
Or, maybe You can repeat the miracle of the sun this year as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of the apparition of Your Mom in Fatima, for a change of their hearts and my heart, or bring more converts from other faiths to Your Sacred Heart and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, while she's crushing the head of the serpent, who lies about You, and likes to put enmity between us all, Your creatures.
And, as we embark on a cruise and tracing Your Footsteps in the Holy Lands, can You please keep us safe and our home, but most especially our children & Xiomara, and renew or strengthen our faith in You?
If it is not asking too much, then please heal, save and let me see You again, with my wife at my side?
Last but not the least, I know that You know that it's a lot easier to be an atheist, and forget all about these questions inside my head, and still live a fairly decent life, I guess. But, I chose not to because, I believe that "You Have The Words Of Everlasting Life!"
Amen.
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