2/11/74
"To tell you about my thoughts is
to locate myself in a category;
to tell you about my feelings is
to tell you about me."
Noemi
This Blog entry is long overdue. It's been more than a year since my last one; but somehow, I didn't have the willpower and deadline, or maybe the Divine Inspiration and moral courage to write it. Not until I opened a cache of collegiate photographs and postcards while cleaning my files, and chanced upon a piece of paper handed to me by Noemi, whom I remember vividly during a boring Theology lecture of our junior year in Philosophy, and whose forgotten missive above poked me after reading it again, and made me revisit this site. But unlike Facebook, I realized that it was time for me, not to poke her back which is futile, or locate her one more time, unsuccessfully, in social media, but to open my mind, heart and soul, and share my thoughts, being and psyche about my personal relationship & spiritual road trip with Jesus, once again.
Initially, I wanted to chronicle how the Lord has blessed Gie & me during our Baltic cruise last August, in celebration of our 35th wedding anniversary. I took a lot of pictures (that this page can now support) of magnificent churches that were converted to museums (which saddened me, by the way) during our visit in St. Petersburg, Russia; and a video concert performance of religious Renaissance music using medieval instruments, and uplifting songs dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, inside St. Francis Church-Museum in the Old City of Tallinn, Estonia.
Besides, I thought of showing the gut-wrenching & awe-inspiring photo exhibit on the spot where parts of the historic East Berlin Wall once stood, that's dedicated to the harrowing exodus of Syrian refugees who escaped, against all odds, their war-ravaged country and came to Europe to leave death, famine & destruction, in order to rebuild their lives in unfamiliar terrain, culture, values, religion or lack thereof, and sometimes, with inhospitable people of host countries, even prior to the recent Islamic terrorist attacks (some of them by former refugees themselves) in Germany, France, Belgium and other nations in the European Union.
And yes, I could have revealed my thoughts when we attended a fun, peaceful and very welcoming weekend Pride Concert of the LGBT community at the Municipal Square that was festooned with colorful gay pride flags & banners across from our hotel, when we arrived a day before embarking on a cruise at the port in the Green City of Copenhagen, Denmark. Gie and I had a great time listening, singing & dancing to ecclectic music in front of the enormous stage, and a great crowd of hospitable Filipino expats who brought us food to eat, Danes, tourists and strangers whom we all just met at the event. But, the thought of our daughters Claire-Voe & Kendra who are both proud members of LGBT community, and expecting their first baby, stayed with me the whole time.
Also, I was ready to post the gorgeous land & sea city tour photos & videos that I shot in Stockholm, Sweden, and the waters, streets & saunas around Helsinki, Finland, not to mention the stunning clusters of islands that we passed by on both sides of our gigantic cruise ship, while it pulled away, at dusk until dark, from the expansive, serene and beautiful Nordic archipelago of very cool, reserved & beautiful people of these formerly predominantly Christian, yet currently very modern, secular and irreligious Scandinavian countries, where majority of their citizens don't believe in God anymore. But somehow, my interest in sharing this & all of the above, and what it meant to me in my uncommon, sometimes doubtful, and serendipitous Christian sojourn dissipated, after posting on Facebook the first video I took, when we got home.
Was it because this unusual, unexpected & unforgettable cruise (our 5th in 27 countries including a pilgrimage to churches & shrines in Eastern Europe) opened a new & contemporary perspective and worldview about Christianity, progressive humanism, atheism & socialism, and the moral imperative for me to change course, or loosen up at least, in my rigid and unwavering faith in our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, and be more open-minded, non-judgmental, and welcoming to other faiths and people who don't share the same beliefs, values, upbringing, insecurities and certitude of mine?
Surely, the birth of our first grandchild--the angelic, smiley, cute & adorable Xiomara
three weeks before Thanksgiving, that Gie & I celebrated despite the cold, rainy and windy weather, by flying to Lyndhurst, New Jersey where Claire-Voe, Kendra & Xiomara live, was a no-brainer, and would had been the opportune time to crystallize my thoughts on this Blog, especially after we all headed to Colonia, NJ with Osbert and his girlfriend who arrived two days before us for the huge family Thanksgiving dinner. Although she was asleep most of the time, Xiomara's uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces and other relatives were excited to see her for the first time, while the doting Grandpa in me took hundreds of pictures of our lovable and photogenic granddaughter. However, I didn't have the energy and stamina to write about it or post the pics in here because all we did mostly in their home was to be with our little angel Xiomara, while I streamed & watched Netflix's foreign & independent films on their HDTV. Gie was exhausted, and didn't mind having only four hours of sleep everyday in order to take good care of Xiomara. And, we didn't hesitate to tell Claire-Voe and Kendra to take advantage of our presence, so that they could go out together for the first time and have fun while we babysat our sweetheart Xio, because we know how hard it was for new parents to find a reliable, trusted and experienced babysitter, like us, on such a short notice. This way, they could have a much-needed break, away from their baby, and enjoy a good movie, relaxing massage or getaway spa, for several hours. They did; but somehow, I would rather cook lunch & dinner for all of us, than write this page while they were away. But, why?
Maybe because I was incensed at a few relatives and friends who kept asking me: whose baby was Xiomara--Osbert's or Claire-Voe's? And, who's the father? I thought, I knew how to respond to them because I expected it, after talking in person to our two spiritual advisers-priests-friends in New Jersey, while attending Claire-Voe & Kendra's first wedding three years ago, and writing about it in here (See BLOG: Faith, Hope Love Abide; But The Greatest Of These Is Love...) as an integral part of my Christian journey, which had always been an open book when I began this website in 2010. I guess, I was annoyed because of the element of hypocrisy, malice and put down in their queries, more than the questions themselves, since they already knew that our beloved daughter was married twice to the same woman, Kendra, or must have known at least once, when I posted their nuptial pictures on Facebook several times. Yet somehow, even though I could respond and shut them up through this Blog, I didn't. But, what was the underlying reason then, for not doing so?
Again, I could have picked up a pen, written and marked another milestone in my life, while assessing my Christian journey with the Lord after four years of living in the desert City of Las Vegas, also known as the Sin City, and Entertainment Capital of the World, and celebrating my 62nd birthday with Gie--first, while we were in New York City, just like we always did for 30 years when we lived in the East Coast--by attending Holy Mass and receiving Jesus in the Sacred Eucharist at St. Patrick's Cathedral, going to a Broadway show, having an intimate dinner at a fine restaurant, and watching the star-studded program & lighting of the humongous Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center; but somehow, my joyous occasion was interrupted by intermittent rain & sleet, after watching & enjoying the award-winning revival musical Fiddler on the Roof, and looking for the eateries of my choice that either closed for good or moved to new locations because they couldn't afford their astronomical leases anymore. So, we ate at a nearby Ramen Bistro, and decided to go home afterwards and watch over Xiomara, instead of standing on one tight spot in a crowded Manhattan venue, under an umbrella because of pouring rain, for the lighting of the popular Christmas tree.
It could have been a wonderful dinner celebration, just like the one arranged and paid for by Claire-Voe at a lovely Italian restaurant in East Rutherford, NJ, where the food & service were excellent but expensive, for my 62nd and Xiomara's 1st month birthdays, with only our immediate family. We had a great time; and what a blessed evening that was!
From that point on, I was overflowing with a potpourri of God's blessing and wanted to share it with family & friends while we were in Jersey. I called up my sister, brother-in-law & Charismatic brothers & sisters and treated them for lunch at a Filipino restaurant, after attending Sunday Mass with Gie in our former parish, St John the Evangelist Church of Bergenfield. And, the day after we got back in Vegas, we took seven of our friends at Rampart's Casino for dinner, dancing & gaming (even if we don't play ourselves,) until almost midnight. As if that wasn't enough, I made it up to Gie on my actual birthday, and had a whole day of uninterrupted (so unlike NYC) birthday feast, with breakfast, lunch & dinner at the Las Vegas Strip, and capped it with a joyous Christmas concert of the Nevada Pops Orchestra and the Desert Chorale at the UNLV Concert Hall. A few days later, after deliberating as a couple, we drove to the local Social Security Administration's office, and I applied for my early retirement benefits at age 62, while praising & thanking the Lord, for doing great things for me and my family!
By then, Christmas was upon us, yet we haven't done any shopping for our exchange gifts on Christmas eve, or decorated our home for the Holy Day commemorating Jesus' birthday, or the Incarnation. Neither did it slow us down nor dampen our mood to get everything done quickly because Osbert & his girlfriend Assia were coming early for a week, instead of four days, which was a pleasant surprise. I cooked Osbert's two favorite Filipino foods (Kare-Kare & Dinuguan) and had the rest catered by the newest Fiesta Filipina restaurant in town, for our celebration. And even though Claire-Voe, Kendra & Xiomara cannot be with us, we talked to them on the video phone and thanked them, together with Osbert & Assia, for showering us with lots of Christmas presents. And, the following morning, we all went to our Parish Church of St. Thomas More for an exuberant and sacred Liturgy celebrating the Birth of Jesus, on that blessed Christmas day.
I can go on, and on, telling you how "The Lord has done great things for us; we are filled with joy," but I still feel guilty, sometimes, and have this gnawing question, which is--did I truly deserve or earn all of these blessings. Or, are they just God's payoff for allowing me to suffer abuse in the hands of a relative & neighbor when I was young? And, are the Gifts & Fruits of the Holy Spirit in me during our corporal works of mercy, Charismatic prayer meetings & healing services, and in the Ministries that Gie & I founded, only served as smokescreen to camouflage my true self or real being, and to perpetuate the Catholic Church's teaching about suffering and sharing in Jesus Christ's Passion & Death, for my physical & spiritual healing, or for the Good to triumph against Evil? But, what am I thinking? Why don't I just share God's material & spiritual blessings to those in need, like I always did, and be done with it, without questions or reservations, and be totally happy & satisfied in my New Life in the Spirit? Or, am I too jaded and unintelligible to even bother asking God, how profoundly I think & feel uninspired, every now and then, just like 'Doubting Thomas,' the apostle, or something resembling 'the dark night' of my soul about His Real Presence in my life, or my Perfect Friendship with Him?
Anyway, the optimist in me wanted 2016 to be over, as quickly as possible. Hence, Gie & I planned a solemn (with a prayer vigil), sometimes loud (TV blasting & pots banging), prosperous (foods galore & money inside all our pockets), and joyful New Year's Eve traditional celebration like we used to do when our children were around. But, they cannot be with us because Claire-Voe & Kendra couldn't travel with their new baby Xiomara, while Osbert & Assia were vacationing and spending New Year in Italy. So, I invited our friends and three of my high school classmates & their families (sort of a mini-reunion, because one of them just came from the Philippines and was visiting her children & grandchildren in Las Vegas for the first time.) Unfortunately, none of them could make it because they had other plans, or were on their way to the old country. Thank God, we had a Plan B; so, it didn't dampen my spirit a bit. Really? (TO BE CONTINUED)
"To tell you about my thoughts is
to locate myself in a category;
to tell you about my feelings is
to tell you about me."
Noemi
This Blog entry is long overdue. It's been more than a year since my last one; but somehow, I didn't have the willpower and deadline, or maybe the Divine Inspiration and moral courage to write it. Not until I opened a cache of collegiate photographs and postcards while cleaning my files, and chanced upon a piece of paper handed to me by Noemi, whom I remember vividly during a boring Theology lecture of our junior year in Philosophy, and whose forgotten missive above poked me after reading it again, and made me revisit this site. But unlike Facebook, I realized that it was time for me, not to poke her back which is futile, or locate her one more time, unsuccessfully, in social media, but to open my mind, heart and soul, and share my thoughts, being and psyche about my personal relationship & spiritual road trip with Jesus, once again.
Initially, I wanted to chronicle how the Lord has blessed Gie & me during our Baltic cruise last August, in celebration of our 35th wedding anniversary. I took a lot of pictures (that this page can now support) of magnificent churches that were converted to museums (which saddened me, by the way) during our visit in St. Petersburg, Russia; and a video concert performance of religious Renaissance music using medieval instruments, and uplifting songs dedicated to the Blessed Virgin Mary, inside St. Francis Church-Museum in the Old City of Tallinn, Estonia.
Besides, I thought of showing the gut-wrenching & awe-inspiring photo exhibit on the spot where parts of the historic East Berlin Wall once stood, that's dedicated to the harrowing exodus of Syrian refugees who escaped, against all odds, their war-ravaged country and came to Europe to leave death, famine & destruction, in order to rebuild their lives in unfamiliar terrain, culture, values, religion or lack thereof, and sometimes, with inhospitable people of host countries, even prior to the recent Islamic terrorist attacks (some of them by former refugees themselves) in Germany, France, Belgium and other nations in the European Union.
And yes, I could have revealed my thoughts when we attended a fun, peaceful and very welcoming weekend Pride Concert of the LGBT community at the Municipal Square that was festooned with colorful gay pride flags & banners across from our hotel, when we arrived a day before embarking on a cruise at the port in the Green City of Copenhagen, Denmark. Gie and I had a great time listening, singing & dancing to ecclectic music in front of the enormous stage, and a great crowd of hospitable Filipino expats who brought us food to eat, Danes, tourists and strangers whom we all just met at the event. But, the thought of our daughters Claire-Voe & Kendra who are both proud members of LGBT community, and expecting their first baby, stayed with me the whole time.
Also, I was ready to post the gorgeous land & sea city tour photos & videos that I shot in Stockholm, Sweden, and the waters, streets & saunas around Helsinki, Finland, not to mention the stunning clusters of islands that we passed by on both sides of our gigantic cruise ship, while it pulled away, at dusk until dark, from the expansive, serene and beautiful Nordic archipelago of very cool, reserved & beautiful people of these formerly predominantly Christian, yet currently very modern, secular and irreligious Scandinavian countries, where majority of their citizens don't believe in God anymore. But somehow, my interest in sharing this & all of the above, and what it meant to me in my uncommon, sometimes doubtful, and serendipitous Christian sojourn dissipated, after posting on Facebook the first video I took, when we got home.
Was it because this unusual, unexpected & unforgettable cruise (our 5th in 27 countries including a pilgrimage to churches & shrines in Eastern Europe) opened a new & contemporary perspective and worldview about Christianity, progressive humanism, atheism & socialism, and the moral imperative for me to change course, or loosen up at least, in my rigid and unwavering faith in our Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, and be more open-minded, non-judgmental, and welcoming to other faiths and people who don't share the same beliefs, values, upbringing, insecurities and certitude of mine?
Surely, the birth of our first grandchild--the angelic, smiley, cute & adorable Xiomara
three weeks before Thanksgiving, that Gie & I celebrated despite the cold, rainy and windy weather, by flying to Lyndhurst, New Jersey where Claire-Voe, Kendra & Xiomara live, was a no-brainer, and would had been the opportune time to crystallize my thoughts on this Blog, especially after we all headed to Colonia, NJ with Osbert and his girlfriend who arrived two days before us for the huge family Thanksgiving dinner. Although she was asleep most of the time, Xiomara's uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces and other relatives were excited to see her for the first time, while the doting Grandpa in me took hundreds of pictures of our lovable and photogenic granddaughter. However, I didn't have the energy and stamina to write about it or post the pics in here because all we did mostly in their home was to be with our little angel Xiomara, while I streamed & watched Netflix's foreign & independent films on their HDTV. Gie was exhausted, and didn't mind having only four hours of sleep everyday in order to take good care of Xiomara. And, we didn't hesitate to tell Claire-Voe and Kendra to take advantage of our presence, so that they could go out together for the first time and have fun while we babysat our sweetheart Xio, because we know how hard it was for new parents to find a reliable, trusted and experienced babysitter, like us, on such a short notice. This way, they could have a much-needed break, away from their baby, and enjoy a good movie, relaxing massage or getaway spa, for several hours. They did; but somehow, I would rather cook lunch & dinner for all of us, than write this page while they were away. But, why?
Maybe because I was incensed at a few relatives and friends who kept asking me: whose baby was Xiomara--Osbert's or Claire-Voe's? And, who's the father? I thought, I knew how to respond to them because I expected it, after talking in person to our two spiritual advisers-priests-friends in New Jersey, while attending Claire-Voe & Kendra's first wedding three years ago, and writing about it in here (See BLOG: Faith, Hope Love Abide; But The Greatest Of These Is Love...) as an integral part of my Christian journey, which had always been an open book when I began this website in 2010. I guess, I was annoyed because of the element of hypocrisy, malice and put down in their queries, more than the questions themselves, since they already knew that our beloved daughter was married twice to the same woman, Kendra, or must have known at least once, when I posted their nuptial pictures on Facebook several times. Yet somehow, even though I could respond and shut them up through this Blog, I didn't. But, what was the underlying reason then, for not doing so?
Again, I could have picked up a pen, written and marked another milestone in my life, while assessing my Christian journey with the Lord after four years of living in the desert City of Las Vegas, also known as the Sin City, and Entertainment Capital of the World, and celebrating my 62nd birthday with Gie--first, while we were in New York City, just like we always did for 30 years when we lived in the East Coast--by attending Holy Mass and receiving Jesus in the Sacred Eucharist at St. Patrick's Cathedral, going to a Broadway show, having an intimate dinner at a fine restaurant, and watching the star-studded program & lighting of the humongous Christmas Tree in Rockefeller Center; but somehow, my joyous occasion was interrupted by intermittent rain & sleet, after watching & enjoying the award-winning revival musical Fiddler on the Roof, and looking for the eateries of my choice that either closed for good or moved to new locations because they couldn't afford their astronomical leases anymore. So, we ate at a nearby Ramen Bistro, and decided to go home afterwards and watch over Xiomara, instead of standing on one tight spot in a crowded Manhattan venue, under an umbrella because of pouring rain, for the lighting of the popular Christmas tree.
It could have been a wonderful dinner celebration, just like the one arranged and paid for by Claire-Voe at a lovely Italian restaurant in East Rutherford, NJ, where the food & service were excellent but expensive, for my 62nd and Xiomara's 1st month birthdays, with only our immediate family. We had a great time; and what a blessed evening that was!
From that point on, I was overflowing with a potpourri of God's blessing and wanted to share it with family & friends while we were in Jersey. I called up my sister, brother-in-law & Charismatic brothers & sisters and treated them for lunch at a Filipino restaurant, after attending Sunday Mass with Gie in our former parish, St John the Evangelist Church of Bergenfield. And, the day after we got back in Vegas, we took seven of our friends at Rampart's Casino for dinner, dancing & gaming (even if we don't play ourselves,) until almost midnight. As if that wasn't enough, I made it up to Gie on my actual birthday, and had a whole day of uninterrupted (so unlike NYC) birthday feast, with breakfast, lunch & dinner at the Las Vegas Strip, and capped it with a joyous Christmas concert of the Nevada Pops Orchestra and the Desert Chorale at the UNLV Concert Hall. A few days later, after deliberating as a couple, we drove to the local Social Security Administration's office, and I applied for my early retirement benefits at age 62, while praising & thanking the Lord, for doing great things for me and my family!
By then, Christmas was upon us, yet we haven't done any shopping for our exchange gifts on Christmas eve, or decorated our home for the Holy Day commemorating Jesus' birthday, or the Incarnation. Neither did it slow us down nor dampen our mood to get everything done quickly because Osbert & his girlfriend Assia were coming early for a week, instead of four days, which was a pleasant surprise. I cooked Osbert's two favorite Filipino foods (Kare-Kare & Dinuguan) and had the rest catered by the newest Fiesta Filipina restaurant in town, for our celebration. And even though Claire-Voe, Kendra & Xiomara cannot be with us, we talked to them on the video phone and thanked them, together with Osbert & Assia, for showering us with lots of Christmas presents. And, the following morning, we all went to our Parish Church of St. Thomas More for an exuberant and sacred Liturgy celebrating the Birth of Jesus, on that blessed Christmas day.
I can go on, and on, telling you how "The Lord has done great things for us; we are filled with joy," but I still feel guilty, sometimes, and have this gnawing question, which is--did I truly deserve or earn all of these blessings. Or, are they just God's payoff for allowing me to suffer abuse in the hands of a relative & neighbor when I was young? And, are the Gifts & Fruits of the Holy Spirit in me during our corporal works of mercy, Charismatic prayer meetings & healing services, and in the Ministries that Gie & I founded, only served as smokescreen to camouflage my true self or real being, and to perpetuate the Catholic Church's teaching about suffering and sharing in Jesus Christ's Passion & Death, for my physical & spiritual healing, or for the Good to triumph against Evil? But, what am I thinking? Why don't I just share God's material & spiritual blessings to those in need, like I always did, and be done with it, without questions or reservations, and be totally happy & satisfied in my New Life in the Spirit? Or, am I too jaded and unintelligible to even bother asking God, how profoundly I think & feel uninspired, every now and then, just like 'Doubting Thomas,' the apostle, or something resembling 'the dark night' of my soul about His Real Presence in my life, or my Perfect Friendship with Him?
Anyway, the optimist in me wanted 2016 to be over, as quickly as possible. Hence, Gie & I planned a solemn (with a prayer vigil), sometimes loud (TV blasting & pots banging), prosperous (foods galore & money inside all our pockets), and joyful New Year's Eve traditional celebration like we used to do when our children were around. But, they cannot be with us because Claire-Voe & Kendra couldn't travel with their new baby Xiomara, while Osbert & Assia were vacationing and spending New Year in Italy. So, I invited our friends and three of my high school classmates & their families (sort of a mini-reunion, because one of them just came from the Philippines and was visiting her children & grandchildren in Las Vegas for the first time.) Unfortunately, none of them could make it because they had other plans, or were on their way to the old country. Thank God, we had a Plan B; so, it didn't dampen my spirit a bit. Really? (TO BE CONTINUED)
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